Scarlets' Letters

The Popular Boy Cracks my Head.

As I wipe away the tears shed by a person who started them, another grabbs my hand and suddenly everything seems ok.

-M. J

***

My daddy always said "life doesn't get easier baby, but smile, one little grin can make someone else decide today they live."

Hard words from a man who killed himself. Its hard to think the man who would pull a trigger for you, did the same to his head. Life stops for him, but life stops for me too.

Dad if you can hear me now, please help me sometime because my smile faded. The sun stopped shining. I stopped living. With that one boom it killed two.

I walked on the sidewalk seeing smiling kids, laughing teens, and stray animals living their lives.

A quote I saw on Facebook. It said 'your life is not a story don't end it' as a final line. What if I just closed the book, put it on hold. Or read the ending to know how I'll finally go.

I want to read the ending. Know if I accomplished anything, but I know that life isn't ever wrote down in truth. We read of history and find out it's all a guess. We see magazines and assume that persons life is amazing, or hell because of a shiny hedding that came from the mind of a shark we call publishers.

We as humans want to know someones life is worse than ours, and we strive to keep it that way. But what happens when life throws a curveball, you loose all you knew, and you are the bottom now.

That's me now. My mother committed suicide after my father because she couldn't hadle the loss. I was thrown into the system as a helpless 10 year old girl. I had one Foster family, and then I was adopted as a sixteen year old. My Foster family was a great home. They took me to counciling for the deaths, and I never truely became suicidal until last year when my Foster mother got breast cancer and I don't know what happened. Something snapped in me.

My Foster family adopted me after six years and my mother of that family is in critical condition. She might pull through. And she might die one day suddenly. God gave me the short stick in life.

I breathed in the cold winter air and boarded the bus. My best friend Jacob saved me a seet as usual. He was kind if goth but a total innocent sweet-heart. He, my dad, brother and sister are what keeps me alive. It's as if they let go of me my life line falls too.

"Hey Scarie, how's it gooooing? " Jacob asked dragging on the ' o ' in going. I hated that nickname but I guess it is kinda nice I have one.

"Fine. Mom is still in the hospital, the doctor says if she doesn't get better soon she has about a month left. At most. "

"I'm sorry Scarie. I'm here for ya you know. " He said solemnly. His mother and father were great parents.his father worked in a factory and his mom was a stay at home mom. He never had a problem with his family. I could tell me hurting hurt him though.

I nodded but secretly I wanted to just sit there. Say or do nothing. Just drift away to my own world. Which I do anyways.

The bus stopped at the elementary, then to the high school. People knew about my dad. People knew about my mom. No one knew about my adoptive mother, but I get enough crap like my dad killed himself because I was a disappointment. My mom hated me so she killed herself. And the ever classic, you should kill yourself like your looser family. I never took what they said to heart. Their words are meant to bring me down but if I don't let it then they loose. They are the loosers.

Pushing open the doors to the school I quickly scanned my outfit, black high waisted pants, my Hayley Williams shirt, and black and white checkered belt that clashed with my bright orange nails and shoelaces for my black converses. An outfit that I'm sure Hayley herself would probably be proud of.