Love to Hate [1]

I'm a goner somebody catch my breath.

"Please, please just kill me," I pleaded with him. I held out the gun I had in my back pocket. "I deserve it, please." 

But instead of taking the gun, Jaha hit me across the face. I sprawled backwards in the mud. The rain was coming down in torrents now. The others moved in closer.

"I can't fight anymore!" I yelled. Couldn't they see that? I was ready to give up, ready for death - ready to accept whatever punishment I had coming for me. Just so I didn't have to be responsible for anyone else's suffering ever again. 

Jaha laughed as he walked over to me. "Don't you know?" he asked. "Life is a fight." He delivered a swift kick to my ribs that sent me flying.

I didn't understand. "What am I supposed to do?" I asked him. 

"Live, breathe, suffer," Jaha intoned. "You owe them that," he gestured to the dead. "You want peace?" he asked, crouching next to me. "You're gonna have to earn it." He gave me another hard kick.

"Fight back!" he yelled. I couldn't. He punched me in the face. Blood, rain, and mud were streaming in my eyes. I couldn't move, couldn't think, all I wanted was for it to be over. Jaha pulled me up by my hair to look me in the eyes. "You think you deserve to have your suffering end? Do you deserve that gift?" he asked softly. I nodded, desperate for the end. "Because you're gonna get it," he added, punching me again in the face. I sprawled on my back, too tired to do anything.

Suddenly, though, I heard the click of a gun. Jaha hadn't been holding a gun. I looked up and saw Dax standing over me, holding a gun from the supplies depot. Where the hell had he come from? 

"Nothing personal," Dax intoned, and pulled the trigger. I flinched, but nothing happened. The bullet had been a dud. Seeing my chance, I grabbed my handgun and pointed it at Dax as he reloaded, but suddenly there was nothing in my hand. Another hallucination. Dax aimed the gun at me again. 

"Hey!" I heard a small voice cry out. "Why don't you pick on someone who isn't tripping on bad nuts, huh?" I looked over and saw Nessa standing there, her bow strung and an arrow pointed right at Dax. Her face was set in anger, but I almost had to laugh. She was about half the size of him, and was facing off against a machine gun with a homemade bow and arrow. Stupid but brave. 

"I don't know who the hell you are, but Shumway said 'no witnesses'," Dax muttered, turning the gun on Nessa. I looked around, still disoriented from my earlier hallucination.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Nessa demanded, not moving an inch. She still didn't understand.

"Shumway set it up," I explained. "He gave me the gun to shoot the Chancellor."

"Walk away now and I won't kill you," Dax said to Nessa. Part of me hoped she would listen. I didn't want her dead, much less because of me. 

But of course she didn't. "Nah, I'm gonna hang around. I think Bellamy's finally starting to like me," she said, her voice light but her eyes showed the rage lying underneath. Dax pulled the trigger and a shot rang out. Nessa dodged the bullet and let her arrow fly, but Dax dodged that too. He fired a few more shots as Nessa dove behind a tree. I finally regained my senses enough to realize she was in serious danger. I launched myself at Dax, catching him off guard. He stumbled at first, but then regained his balance and shoved me to the ground again. He pinned me down and began to press on my throat with his gun. I couldn't breathe, my vision began to fade. I thought this was it. Then I heard a thunk, followed by a gurgling noise, and Dax's weight slid off of me. I scrambled up and saw him lying on his back, an arrow through his throat. Blood dribbled out of his mouth and his eyes stared at the sky, seeing nothing. Nessa was leaning against a tree, breathing hard. At first I thought she had gotten through the fight unscathed, but then I saw her clutching her arm, blood seeping through her fingers. I made my way over to her. 

"Damn it, Nessa, why do you have to be so stupid all the time," I groaned, sitting next to her.

"Hey, you're welcome," she spit back. "And I'm fine. We both are."

I shook my head. "No, I'm not." I took a shaky breath and continued, my voice breaking. "My mother, she raised me to be better, to be good. And all I do is hurt people. I'm a monster." I felt a tear slide down my cheek and I sniffed. 

"Hey, Bellamy, look at me," Nessa demanded. I turned and fixed my eyes on her glowing green ones. "You are not a monster. A selfish dick sometimes, yes, I'll be the first to call you that. But a monster? No way in hell. That guy lying there? He's a monster. You? You care about people, not just yourself. I used to think you were that guy but I've seen the real you, Bellamy. You genuinely want to help everyone here. You always do what you think is right, just sometimes what you think is right isn't what everyone else sees as right. We need you, Bellamy, if we're going to make it through this. I see that now. And I don't know what you need to make you stay with us but if it's forgiveness then I can start. I forgive you, Bellamy Blake." It sounded so real, so genuine. I was taken aback. The person who probably hated me most in this world, forgiving me? But she didn't know what I had been holding from her all this time.

"You sure you'll still be saying that when I tell you what I know about your sister? That I've known since they arrested you on the Ark?" I asked her. She closed her eyes and turned away, taking a deep breath. 

"I don't know what was in those nuts we ate, but I'm guessing you saw shit, too," she said. I nodded. "Well, I saw my sister, and I'm pretty sure what you're about to tell me is the same as what she said," she whispered, her voice shaky. I saw a tear slide down her cheek. I wanted to hold her, she looked so small and fragile. Life had already taken so much from her, I didn't want to add another burden. But she had a right to know.

"When they arrested you, I asked Kane how they had found out about you. Back when your dad had been hiding you under the floorboards. My mom and I were still hiding Octavia at this point, so I didn't want to make the same mistake. Kane said that, that your sister had come to Jaha and the council and had ratted you and your dad out in exchange for immunity. The council found out about an illegal second child and she wouldn't get floated for knowing about it and helping to hide you. Jaha agreed," I explained. "I didn't understand how she could do that to her own father and sister. I could never imagine doing that to Octavia."

Nessa nodded, still crying silently. "That's what I was expecting. In my hallucination/dream/whatever it was, Reagan also told me I wasn't her real sister and she didn't see why she had to risk her life for me. But if I wasn't her real sister than what was I?" She started to break down, burying her head in her hands. Cautiously I reached my arm over her shoulders and she leaned into me. We sat that way for what felt like hours, each feeling the burdens of our past and having to face those burdens soon weighing heavily on our shoulders.