Surviving Cancer

Friday, November 3

"It's not that easy Levi." She said as she shook her head.

"But it is Maci." I didn't say anymore. I kissed the top of her head before sliding out from beside her. "Come on."
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A little over an hour we were walking to Maci's first hour. I grabbed her hand, winding our way through the crowds of people.

"Everything's going to be fine." I said squeezing her hand. She just nodded as we walked. "Is Skylar going to go with you to Jonah's?" I asked trying to get her mind off of everyone else and the talent show.

"I haven't asked him yet. I don't know if he'll come." She mumbled. "He's not really comfortable with the whole cancer/sick thing."

I shook my head, I couldn't figure out why he was insisting on 'being there' for Maci when he couldn't handle everything that was involved with being there for Maci. I kept my mouth closed though as we walked.

"Maybe I should see if Jackie wants to go?" She said.

"I think her and Greg have plans but I could be wrong. Ask her." I pushed. We neared the door of her classroom, I could feel her grip tighten on my hand. "Don't worry. You know if anyone says anything I'll flatten them."

She let out a little chuckle, a smile breaking onto her face. "I know."

"So chin up. Besides you're going to show 'em all what you're made of tonight anyway, so fuck 'em let 'em talk." I pulled her into my arms and gave her a squeeze. "I love you."

"Love you too." She said before we parted ways.

I waited until she disappeared into the classroom before I started down the hallway. I couldn't help but feel like people had been constantly staring at us since all week. I felt like they were all gossiping and it drove me nuts. I was trying to not pay attention to it with Maci around but it was like an itch crawling across my skin. My eyes darted around looking for those that were staring, talking, even thinking. But there were none. It was all my imagination. I met up with Greg as we finished our trek to class.

"What's up man?" He said falling into step with me.

"Nothing, you?" I asked still distracted.

He shrugged his shoulders, "What time's the talent show again? My dad wants to come see Maci."

"Starts at seven I think." I said.

We fell into silence as we walked into our classroom and took our seats. I just wanted to get through today at least until the talent show.  It didn't make any sense but I just felt like now that Maci knew that people knew someone was going to say something to her.  Like they couldn't have said something before.  I shook my head, realizing how irritation I was thinking. After they heard her I knew everyone would forget all about the stupid rumors anyway. They just had to hear her. I let out a sigh, slumping back into my seat.

"Big sigh." Greg commented, leaving it open to whether or not I wanted to elaborate.

I nodded my head, "Just stressing."

"About Maci?" Greg asked.

"What else? I just don't want anyone to say anything shitty to her. Like on Monday, you know?" I shrugged, knowing I couldn't stop no matter what I did.

"We I haven't heard anyone talking about since." Greg said.

"Good." I breathed, "Let me know if that changes."

Moving to Michigan wasn't supposed to be this stressful. Yeah we were going to a new school with no one we knew but it was supposed to be an adventure that we could do together. Instead I was sitting there worrying about her not being here and people talking crap. I just wanted to be like every other 16 year old and I knew Maci did too. Why did we have to be the exception?

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MACI POV

I had just spilt ways with Jackie as I headed for my sixth hour. My anxiety from earlier had long since been gone, mostly because I knew that I couldn't change what people were thinking. Only a few people had actually inquired directly with me. The rest even though I couldn't hear their conversations, were still talking behind my back. But there was nothing I could do. Everyone would eventually know that I had cancer not an eating disorder or anything like that. I suppose in a way it was my own fault. If I would have just come right out with it when I found out the cancer was back no one could have speculated. Besides my thoughts were on the talent show. I was flipping back and forth between being excited for the talent show and being terrified. In the current moment I couldn't wait but it changed with the weather. I pushed open the door to the girl's locker room. At the next semester I was being switched out of gym but until then on the days I felt okay I was participating. Sports used to be a huge part of both Levi's and my life. Cancer though had gotten in the way, at least for me. I turned the corner to where the benches were surrounded by lockers and all the girls in the room fell awkwardly silent. I opened my locker, pulling out my gym clothes. A few of the girls disappeared out of the locker room while the rest lingered, whispering back and forth between each other. Nerves rose through my body as I thought about having to change with everyone there and their focus on me. It was like all of a sudden people noticed that I had lost weight. All of a sudden I was the topic of everyone's discussion. It wasn't like this had happened over night, it had happened over time. I took a deep breath. I didn't deserve to feel like an outcast. I shouldn't have to be feel self conscious over the way that I look when there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I swallowed and spun around, my gym clothes clutched in my hand.

"What?" I snapped.

"Uh nothing." One of the girls said.

"Why is everyone whispering?" I asked, clenching my teeth between questions.

A different girl stepped up. "Is it true you're doing the talent show tonight?"

I wrinkled my forehead in confusion. "Yeah, why?"

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Singing." I said.

She walked toward me holding her hand out, "I don't think we've actually met, my name's Rachel."

"Maci." I took her hand and shook it hesitantly.

"I'll be your competition." She smiled, before turning to walk away. She glanced back just before she walked out of view. "Good luck."

I was left alone in the locker room, my mind reeling. I had been so sure they were whispering about why I was so thin. Maybe they had and decided to keep it to themselves when I called them out. But at the same time maybe they really had been trying to size me up alongside of Rachel. No one really knew I sang or played any instruments. I could see where the curiosity could have came about. The new girl with her weird relationship with her twin brother and drastically shrinking waste line. I was sort of a freak show. I hadn't really even thought of who my competition would be. I wasn't doing it to win though either. Butterflies rose up in my stomach, what if Rachel was phenomenal? What if she blew me out of the water? She was confident, she probably had years of voice lessons behind her. What if I went up on stage and made a fool of myself? I sat down on the bench, my heart beating through my chest. I should just withdraw. Save myself the trouble and the stress. I just wouldn't tell anyone, that way no one could talk me out of it. I didn't have to prove anything to anyone or myself. I was fine just the way I was. Obviously I wasn't one of those natural performers otherwise I would have already done it by now. My parent's would forgive me and so would Levi. They were the only people that really matter anyway. I took a deep breath, slipped into my gym clothes, my mind made up. No more talent show.