Forgetting Florence // Alex Hayes F.F.

Chapter 4 ~ Facing the Reality

Friday 23rd May 2014

I...have...cancer?
I really don't know what to do anymore? There is just no point in my existence. Was I put on this planet to fail?

I don't really want to update much about what happened on Thursday. Alex, Freya, Issie, Rachel and Jerry came to visit me. I didn't speak, I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't.

I couldn't bare to open my mouth. I had caused all these people so much pain, just because of me. they should be happy and not worrying about me.

I heard Freya plead about how sorry she was and Jerry and Alex seemed to have made up. That's one thing to be happy about. I knew Alex wouldn't want to see me again after what happened so when I'm released from hospital I won't bother him.

I have thought about death and I'm not really too scared by it to be honest. Life would go on like normal without me.

I've been told that I only have about 2 years to live on average, it's going to be a painful journey but I think I'll get through it. Hopefully God has a plan.

Thursday 2 June 2014

I'm still stuck in hospital, I can move and walk around now. My friends visit regularly, Alex and Freya and the others. I do occasionally speak, I've been a bit happier since this all happened. Alex is the best company though.

He brought me flowers today, they were the most beautiful roses, like a tie dye washed cherry.

I have to go through chemotherapy soon, which means loosing my hair, I'm not too bothered if it makes me better I guess.

Well that's all I got sitting in a hospital bed is more boring than it sounds, I sometimes make up tunes in my head to the beeping of the machines. My only friends in my room are the birds who sit on the window. They are more free than me.

Friday 3rd June 2014

Today I started my chemotherapy, Alex was beside me the whole time. It didn't hurt necessarily, but again I can't really feel pain anymore.

Alex is becoming closer to me, which is a scary thought. I've never been close to any boy romantically before so I don't know how to act around him. I don't there is something romantic there though, since why would he love me, I won't be alive to see his life flourish.

Sunday 5th June 2014

Today was a big day, I shaved my hair since the chemotherapy had already made me start to have bald patches.

I no longer could look at myself anymore. I looked horrific without hair and I was starting to get really thin from not eating properly, I've frankly had enough of this. Why should they keep me here in this hospital any longer. I am getting bed sores and I haven't seen my feet in weeks.

I can't stand this anymore.

Friday 11th June 2014

Today I'm nervous, I have had a semi okay life. I had friends a loving family and a warm home to sleep in, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. It would save everyone more trouble if I just passed silently so they could forget and have short term pain rather than this lingering pain which watches over all of us.

If anyone see this i want to thank them, especially Alex. I love you :).

Goodbye...

Hi, this Florence :(

When I thought I couldn't fail any more, I couldn't even kill myself.

Alex came into my hospital room when I was turning off the life support machine. As you can guess I got lectured about how I couldn't do this and bla bla, but one thing he said caught me attention

"I love you, and I can't live life without you Florence you mean so much to everyone more than you think...."

I'm glad he didn't read my blog post otherwise I would have left him with one side feelings, and that is the worst thing to do to a human being.