Pseudology

Twenty.

Adrian saw Martin, Andy, Craig, Tenton and Christopher nearby, happily eating and chatting animatedly to each other. He felt a pang of jealousy flare up in his chest before he turned his head away, looking down at the floor instead of at his friends. They hadn’t really been his friends for a while now, he supposed, but he still liked to think of them as friends.

“Adrian!” It was Christopher, with his muddy brown hair swept off his face with jell. “Come over and eat with us.”

Adrian shrugged and slide over on the bench, settling next to Tenton, who looked a little uncomfortable. Andy kept talking to Craig, and Martin was pointedly not looking at Adrian, his face pale and his hands busying themselves at any opportunity. The chemistry pointed to anxiety, Adrian noticed, but kept his thoughts to himself.

“So, Marty, have you seen Anna again?”

Marty. Anna. Marty? Anna… Anna?

“Nah, not yet.” was Martin’s response, looking up from his lap and smiling awkwardly at Craig. There was something twinkling in his eyes now, and it made Adrian’s stomach twist. Craig had called Martin ‘Marty’, showing that they were informal with each other and were good friends, whatever that meant, and then there was ‘Anna’... who was she? “Might meet up with her in half term, though. What d’you think?”

“I think it sounds like a great idea!” Andy chuckled, pushing some toast into his mouth.

“We should all meet her too.” suggested Christopher. Craig nodded, his smarmy smile making a shiver crawl down Adrian’s back. He could feel the fizz in his veins build up- there was going to be a glorious, blazingly white height of clarity and pleasure soon- and it’d all be gone. As the day was going, he’d have to go to upstairs and sniff a little more of the cocaine just to feel as though he could move throughout the day without crumbling.

“... and Marty can take pictures of her! Is she pretty, Marty?” Andy seemed alive with excitement. Adrian didn’t understand wanting to know everything about someone’s relative or someone’s muse. He could understand wanting to know everything about something- Adrian had several obsessions, including the effects of dopamine, serial killers, harmonics, maths and the structure of words, and he often wanted to know everything about them all at once, learning so much detail that he could talk for hours about each of his obsessions in turn- but knowing everything about someone else? Adrian wasn’t too sure.

But didn’t he want to know everything about Martin?

Didn’t he want to know what Martin looked like in the morning? Didn’t he want to know what he smelt like after his shower that he had every night? What did he smell like at midnight? Did he smell always smell good? Why did it smell good? How bad was his eyesight? Did he like being left handed? What did he think about Adrian?

Adrian didn’t think that Martin particularly liked him anymore. He might be able to put up with him, but he’d have kept lying there next to him this morning if he actually liked him… It made Adrian’s insides hurt. He just wanted Martin to stay. What was he thinking? Martin liked him! He did like him-

“... then, you can shag her!”

Adrian paused.

“Haha, that’s not on the agenda yet!” Martin joked, chuckling a little, but Adrian could feel heat rising in his chest. His lungs were starting to hurt and he could feel the back of his neck sweating.

“Excuse me,” Adrian said, his voice monotonous. “I have to go do some work.”

“Adrian? Where are you-”

“Work.” he snapped, and Adrian left the room.

III

It was ten fifty two in the evening and Adrian was picking at the edges of a fresh cut on his wrist. A pair of scissors were lying on the covers of his bed next to a book that he had been reading before his mind had dived into a deep, thick darkness that had been coming more and more recently.