The Explorer's Apprentice

20:A Whole New World

Rose Dewitt Bukater

I wish I could ask someone about it. I wish I could get away and meet someone new who could help me—someone who lived in a far, isolated place that I could walk to. And I’d want that walk to be beautiful. Maybe this person lives at the end of a large forest or something, or at the top of the tallest mountain, so that the walk is about an hour long and I’d have nothing else to do but enjoy nature and clear my head.  Maybe that’s all I really need. Then when I got there tea would be ready, and my dream person would stare at me with wide, caring eyes, and I’d ask, quite nonchalantly, “what is suicide like?” And they wouldn’t look at me like I was insane.

They’d answer. They’d tell me it was good, and worth it, or bad. End of story.

She had started calling it ‘The New World’ sometime that afternoon. She likes the way it sounds--adventurous, promising, and exciting…everything she’s ever wanted in life all wrapped up into one little phrase. Ironically enough, America, the one Titanic is going to, was once referred to as the same thing. Yet currently it promises the exactly opposite—unchanging imprisonment with not a single chance at freedom.

The way Rose sees it she has two options. The first will take a bit more work, but she’s had tons of time to look it over. So after several hours of plotting and planning, checking her devious little scheme for any possible faults, she’s finally sure that her plan is foolproof.

For a while, planning it was like a game. A way to keep focused on something long enough to prevent the depression from enveloping her again. Never once did the thought that she was actually planning her suicide come to mind—not yet anyway. It was just something for her to do—a plan that she could feel slightly proud of when finished.

Oh God. How pathetic.

First, she’ll steal something sharp from the dining hall--a knife, most likely. She can just slip it right up her sleeve without anybody noticing. Then she’ll wait until it’s time to bathe. No one would dare disturb her then. She’ll lock the door and put a large piece of furniture in front of it on her side for extra security. Then she’ll undress, slip into the bath, and take out the knife. It won’t be a quick and easy death like jumping would be, but jumping could get her seen before she’s ready. And then what would she do?

 With the knife, Rose will slash her wrists and wait until she bleeds out completely, or until she passes out from the pain, drowning in the water surrounding her. Whichever comes first.

 That is unless she finds the golden locket.

That’s her second, more desired option.  All she has to do is find that magic locket and slip away into her dream world without looking back. It would be that easy, even if she’s forgotten why. But she knows it’s possible and is more certain of this than she’s ever been of anything else. It’s the only reason she’s allowed herself to be hopeful.

And she is not crazy. Just thinking of this better option makes Rose grin.

Okay…she ponders; I’ve already looked in my room, and the smoking room. Where to next? Obviously it wasn’t in either of those places but Rose isn’t fazed yet. She’s got a whole ship to search and tries to look at this as a good thing. She knows it’s got to be around somewhere, probably in the most obvious place, like most misplaced things are. She just has to find it.

She has to.

And if she doesn’t?

Rose sighs and squishes her tongue around in her mouth, deep in thought. The air smells of salt, and above her seagulls cry, as if trying to tell her something.