Fear

Ever had a fear?

 A fear so great that, regardless of what people have told you. It seems like it is coming true?

 A fear of loneliness, in a group of close friends and family. A fear of living through life with pain every waking second? A fear of being left to fight with no help?

 A mere idea and emotional concept: Fear. 

What causes fear exactly? The need to run? The need to be brave and fight in spite of emotion and logic? The psychological marvel that says you should not be somewhere, with someone, in light, in darkness, or alone?

 Some people are afraid of dying. There are even some who are afraid to live due to pain, emotional distress, and mental illness. Some people are afraid of insects, arachnids, snakes, and a slew of other physical beings that exist on this planet of ours. Some people are afraid of spirits, demons, damnation, persecution, and monsters that were told by ancient lore.

Fear, Noun: A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined: the feeling or condition of being afraid. This is just the first definition of fear.

 When you feel this emotion for so long, you seem to start slipping away. You become less humane and more defensive. What exactly scares you? The fact you are technically a spec on a planet in a galaxy? The fact that when routine is disturbed, you become so uneasy it makes you cranky, bitter, and remorse? When people leave you, by their own means, your decision to cut them out of your life, or they pass away. What causes you to fear of them to coming back into your life, or hinting there may be an after life?

I am afraid. I put on a facade daily, just to hide my pain. Be it emotional or physical, we are taught to always wear a mask. Tonight, I shall remove my mask and open my soul to those who once thought they knew the true me.

 I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of being forsaken. I am afraid of the dark, and the light. The balance is all that matters, but tonight... just for tonight, it will mean nothing more. 

Yes I am in pain physically, and emotionally. I have always found my voice was more understood when written out. For someone or something, who comes from nothing, and leaves with nothing. Which is technically the entire world. You nor any creatures come in this plane of existence with nothing more than a body, brain, heart, lungs, blood, and water within your system. Some creatures do not have brains, and still live. Your soul may not even be determined as one when it is a soul regardless of when you or the creature are born. 

I have physically been in this world for twenty six years, and the reason why I am writing all this, is even unbeknownst to me. I just feared without it coming out, I would have no outlet or a way to formulate these words if I were to have tried speaking them aloud. Every day for the past year I've been afraid I would not wake up from my own mental struggles, which have carried over into physical struggles. I do understand the people point of views who were giving me the hardest of times. They were not there to push me over the edge, which inevitably happened. They were there to push me past my weaknesses. My own fears, and unknown disabilities until diagnosed professionally held me back the most. 

Why was I so afraid of succeeding? Why did I not try to keep up with everything better? Why was I always so alone emotionally? Why do these fears, I know that shouldn't exist, exist? My former psychologist probably would find this entire article, if I decide to post this intriguing. The psychiatrist who prescribed me ADHD medication saw the sadness in my eyes, the utter hopelessness I gotten into while serving in the military of the country I reside in. Right now, I know if my former higher ups read this they would probably go 'what the hell?' Not a bad 'what the hell?', just a simple 'I didn't understand how he felt at all, because he never spoke it aloud.' When I did speak up, I guess I came off as catty, sarcastic, and resentful. It was not my intent, I know you can have respect for an authority, but not the person who is in the position of it. Right now, I miss my military life style, but my body can no longer deal with it. My body was falling apart even before this day. My mind on the other hand, was shattered almost. When I did vent to friends, it would seem like I was just blowing off steam. Which to an extent was true. Until the voices came. I will admit, fearing an unknown is one thing but when the fear is a voice of unknown register telling you all your most defeatist ideals one after another. To the point it got powerful enough to suggest to end my own life. I was sent to a psych ward twice for the same reason. The voices continued, I tried to shut them up. The constant reminder of failure, the constant reminder of falling apart little by little.

I am afraid, I'm very afraid of doing something stupid. Of doing something to hurt my friends and family. I'm even currently blurry eyed in tears, wait no, there are actual tears on my face now. I have not given up and broke down to actually cry since I was fifteen. For the past eleven years, I've held back tears of my pain. Emotional, and physical. I grew up fighting, always fighting. Crying didn't mean you were weak, it just showed you had heart. Pity a man who does not cry, for they are the souls to feel sorry for as they seem to have lost their inner piece of mind.

I am afraid of hurting myself. Of hurting myself so badly, that I will not be able to walk, talk, or move. This fear is constant. Some nights I do not sleep because my mind is afflicted with torturous voices mocking me for my failures. Some days I sleep through just to forget they exist and I try to ignore the physical pain. Try to ignore the emotional pain. Not that anyone but myself has afflicted. 

Why does facing oneself always seems to be the hardest thing?

 Why does it always look so clear to others?  Is it because they're outside looking in? 

How does one look into oneself truly, and not feel afraid? I've contemplated suicide, on multiple occasions during, and after serving. I'm afraid I will actually attempt it, without realizing why I am trying to. 

Why does it seem in a world so full of life, and beauty, that it seems so cold and frail? Human beings have always been the most complicated creatures on this planet. We have always desired to do better, but sometimes the betterment of one is not always the way to go. When it should be the betterment of everything.

 Yet, why? Why, do we always segregate, divide, and even fight one another to the point of isolation? Isolation so deep, that even in a room full of friends and family. You feel utterly alone.

I am scared of betraying promises I've made to people. I am terrified of actually caving in to the voices and committing suicide. There is no biggest fear in my opinion, than the loneliness I feel daily now. Yes, money is a factor in this day and age. No, I do not have much. I have a few choice items that I've kept for years, even the computer I'm typing this on right now. Debt is a national resource now, and even children are afflicted by it. 

This isn't the reason for my rant, my reason as I stated earlier is even unbeknownst to me. I am just afraid. I know I need help, but when I've asked for help in multiple categories. People just shrug, and say 'do you have insurance?', or 'keep going, there's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your head.' 

How can people who do not understand you, say things like that? Simple, they do not understand you because they are not you. You are you, they are them. In the part of the world I'm in, it's a very 'pick yourself up, and keep going until you break.' Regardless of what ails you. Even once you're broken, they tell you 'there's nothing wrong, keep going.' When you clearly are in so much pain it's hard for you to even see straight. This pain, coupled with the voices of doubt, and negativity can and most likely will. Drive an individual insane. When driving over bridges of reasonable height, I sometimes imagine jumping out the vehicle I'm in and over the side. Sometimes I even imagine myself suffocating from tying my belt around my neck and strangling myself. Only to remember, if I do that, other people would be sad.

 Granted, I may be nothing more than a 'hi' and 'bye' in someone's life, or a life long friend, or even a potential lover. The fear is so overwhelming, that it's almost tempting to cave into it and let it devour me to the point of recklessness. I've tried finding solace in material things, and even try to act cheerful when in all honesty. I just want to slit my wrists and bleed out. I have no offspring, so I would not be leaving anything to the future generations. I do have siblings, grand parents, and parents granted my father isn't that involved and hasn't been for most of my life. I even had to call the paramedics to make my brother in law throw up all the pills he had in his stomach due him being suicidal. I was livid with him, but glad he was still alive. No one else in that house knew what was going on with me.

I am beyond afraid of what my mind is capable of. This fear is not irrational; especially since this fear is not based on expectation of the future, but rather all the haunting memories of the past. With the voices picking away at my sanity, night by night.

******AUTHOR'S NOTE*********

This solider has been helped and wrote this about 2 years ago. He is now feeling much better though he still battles the fear from time to time. This was just a rant/ramble he wrote about his fear when it was at its worst.