Blanca Like Snow

Chapter 41 - Getting back on your feet

The final touch is sticking my tongue out at Heidi.

That's enough to make Will laugh, loud and rich, tilting his head back as his arms wrap around me, tightly, pulling me a bit closer. Still laughing, he leans forward now, this time his face ending buried in my neck as his arms tighten around me. I hold him as tightly in return.

"It was hard, wasn't it?" I ask in a whisper, not pulling back or anything. Good thing it's a nice day and it's not raining, it would make the scene a lot more dramatic than it already is.

"I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head. I actually have nightmares," he whispers back, so I start patting his back, giving him some comfort. "How did you do it? All this time? I remember when I drove you to the hospital and you fell asleep. You woke up screaming."

"I still have nightmares," I confess. "Now I have another one to add, they get mixed up at times, sometimes even worse."

This time, Will pulls back a bit, just enough to look at me with horror, worry and so much sadness in his eyes.

"How do you manage that?"

I shrug, not because it's a minor or insignificant thing, but because what else can you do? You just deal with it, there's no other option, unless you consider allowing the grief to consume you and take over your life. I don't even consider that option, even if it sounds tempting or easy.

"I just do. I scream, I cry, I wish things were different, that I didn't knew the things I do, but at the same time I can't do anything to change them," I try to explain. "It also helps that when I wake up from a nightmare, Nora is always by my side, reminding me it's just that. A bad dream, a bad memory, but it's in the past and it can't hurt me anymore."

I try to smile at Will, to reassure him in any way I can, but I'm sure it's not exactly working.

"I don't have a Nora," Will sighs, defeated.

For a second I almost tell him I can be that person for him, but I know I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because I won't be around. In two days, we head back to London and I won't be coming back. I don't know for how long he'll stay here or when he'll go back to uni, I don't know if we'll see each other again, so how can I promise him to be that person he leans on when I'm not sure I can keep that promise?

Because I can't make that promise, I can only honestly say, "I want to be that person for you. I want to remind you every time that it's in the past and it's all right now."

Will's hold on me tightens again, becoming painful, considering my bruised ribs, but I endure it because I know he needs the reassurance that I'm here, that I'm fine.

"I am going back to London in two days, I don't even know when I'll see you again," I continue, cupping his face with my right hand, trying to show him I really wish I could do more for him. "But you know that even if I'm at the other side of the world, you can always call me. After a nightmare, just call me and I'll reassure you it's okay, it was just a bad dream."

"That won't make it all better, there're still bad people around and I'm helpless," he deflates, and the vulnerability in his eyes makes my heart twist.

"That didn't stop you before," I remind him. "No matter what I told you, you said you'd always fight because that's better than not doing anything. Yes, there are horrible people out there, real monsters, but are you going to let this defeat you or are you going to do your best to fight those people?"

The boy takes sharp breaths and I know I can't let this moment stop, I have his attention.

"You can't, Will. You need to keep fighting, even if you lose because you just can't give up. At least, make it hard for them to get their way, even if it's for your own satisfaction." I smile, encouragingly, hopeful. "You taught me that."