Sleep 2

16 March

All I feel is vacancy. 

It's seven in the evening but I can't remember the last time I moved since I entered my room twenty hours ago. 

It's like the physical version of trying to get the last bits of Nutella out of the empty jar. Try as hard as you might you can't get solid substance on the spoon. 

That's how I feel right now: lost and devoid of all emotion. I'm staring out the window and the rain is pouring for once in this drought-ridden California city but I can't really see or hear it, I just know that it's happening. All I can see is the same scene replaying over and over in my head, the one where Calum is handing me his final gift, the last thing he may ever give to me again. Have you ever had an out of body experience? I feel as if I've left my empty shell sitting and staring through the window, staring as if she can see the airport from this measly window, as if she can see a tall boy with brown hair and hazelnut eyes boarding a plane to a city she's never been or will ever go to. 

The only thing I can feel is the ache in my hands from clutching the blue walkman that has been there since last night. My knuckles are white and I can feel my fingers frozen in place, like I've turned in to some gargoyle perching here, hoping for the lost boy to return. If only I wait long enough, I know he'll come back. He'll come back, won't he? 

There's a soft knock at the door but I ignore it and mumble something along the lines of "Not today, please".

I finally gather the courage to flip the walkman over to see the note that I've been pretending doesn't exist, the note that will break this faćade of no soul or emotion. I'm terrified and numb all at once. The note is taped down with a single letter scrawled across the front in his sloppy handwriting. "L." 

---Twenty Hours Previously---

Calum never told me exactly when he was leaving, only that he had about two and a half weeks until he was supposed to fly out again and head to Europe. There had been a radio silence all morning so when he finally called me and asked if he could come over, no laughter or smile in his voice, I figured this was everything coming to a cataclysmic end. 

Calum pulled up to my apartment and walked up to me in his grey hoodie, black sweats and black runners, holding a sleek black box about the size of a smaller dinner plate but he made no mention of it when he stepped up towards me and wrapped me in a hug. Still pressed up against his chest I look up and sweep a lose tendril of hair that escaped out of the front of his hood back under "You okay Cal?"

"I will be. Can we go for a walk? Is there anywhere quiet we can just sit for a moment?" 

"Yeah. There's a small hillside overlooking the city about 5 minutes back. That work?"

"Perfect." 

Our hands are interlaced as we walk in somber silence to the hill and as we arrive he breaks contact and plops on to the grassy area. 

"So I take it this is your last night home for a while then?" When I sit down next to Calum he folds out and lays his head on my lap. "Yeah it is. Leera, I don't really want to go, you know? But at the same time I love being up on stage and hearing people sing the lyrics to our songs back to us." 

"I mean...you wouldn't hear any complaints from me about you staying, though I'd feel a little guilty about keeping you tucked away from your friends and the millions of shrill screams you hear on a daily basis."

He huffs a light and breathy laugh but it doesn't quite make his eyes crinkle like they do when he truly laughs. "Thank you. It just gets exhausting sometimes. Parading from city to city feels like I'm leaving a bit of me everywhere I go and I can't gather all the pieces before I leave. I always feel better when I can collect myself at home for awhile but this time it felt like more than that. Everyday we've spent together I feel a little bit more whole and it makes me anxious to leave it." My hands are absentmindedly running my fingers through his dark curls as he speaks to me and I'm biting my lip to keep any sort of tear from rolling down my cheek.