Alec stood at the front of the room. He was about to be married. This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life. Instead of being happy all he could feel was a cold coil of dread in his stomach. He was getting married to Lydia. The thought had just sunk in at this exact moment. It wasn't that he disliked Lydia. She was nice enough and he thought they might be friends. Or could have been at least. For not the first time in his life he wished he was straight. Or even bisexual. If he was he might have been maybe able to fall in love with her eventually. But he wasn't straight or bi and it was already too late to change his mind. All the most important members of the Clave had arrived for the occasion and his parents were sitting in the front row staring at him expectantly. Expecting him to clean the mess up that they made. Why was he the one that had to suffer because of their mistake? It wasn't fair though nothing in the Clave was ever fair. The doors opened and first he saw Isabelle walk in. He felt slightly comforted at the fact that at least Isabelle was going to be here to help him through this wedding. Even if he knew she wasn't happy about him and Lydia getting married he knew he could always count on Izzy. Not more than four seconds after Isabelle had entered Lydia stepped into the room. He suddenly had a strong urge to throw up. He imagined everyone's faces if he threw his guts up on the altar. He had to choke down a hysterical laugh at the thought. Lydia approached the steps that led up to the altar and he reached his hand out to help her up the steps. Lydia was smiling at him and he wished he could smile back at her. Even though he knew Lydia didn't love him he wished he could at least pretend to be happy. He tried to smile but he was pretty sure it looked more like a grimace and he stopped trying. Isabelle held out the pillow where the stele and the bracelet were resting and Alec watched in a trance as Lydia reached over and picked up the bracelet. He held out his arm so she could put it around his wrist. Suddenly, he had a flashback to when he was drinking at Magnus' apartment. Magnus had been wearing a gold bracelet that slightly resembled it. On anyone else he would have never noticed what kind of bracelet they were wearing but Magnus always seemed to hold his attention. More than anyone else he had ever met. He walked forward grabbed the necklace and walked behind Lydia fastening the clasp. He moved to stand in front of Lydia again. He glanced down the necklace. It was shaped like a teardrop glittering with diamonds. Again he thought about Magnus who loved glitter. He wished he would stop thinking about Magnus. What they had. Or not really what they had, they really hadn't had anything and now they never would thanks to him. He wondered if in some alternate universe he had chosen to never propose to Lydia and he was off on a date with Magnus. He hoped alternate universe Alec was happy because he was going to have to be happy enough for the both of them after he married Lydia. He could already see his happiness and hope for the future disappearing the longer the wedding went on.
"It is time for Alec Lightwood and Lydia Branwell to mark each other with the wedded union rune. A rune on the hand. A rune on the heart. A union is born." The Silent Brother said his voice loud and clear in Alec's otherwise cluttered and confused brain. He stood still holding Lydia's hand not being able to help comparing her hands to Magnus'. He hadn't held Magnus' hand very long. Only long enough for Magnus to drag him over to the couch in his living room. Lydia's hands were smaller than Magnus' were. They almost felt too small and delicate even though he could feel the callouses on her hands. They marked her as a warrior and a Shadowhunter. Magnus' hand in contrast had been soft with no callouses. He wasn't sure if that was due to Magnus not ever doing anything that would make him have calluses or magic. Alec harshly reminded himself that he was never going to find out and that it didn't matter. It wasn't like he was ever going to hold Magnus' hand again anyway. Lydia grabbed the stele and reached forward touching it to the stone and bringing it back over to his wrist. In almost slow motion he watched Lydia bring it closer and closer and she was probably a second away from touching it to his skin when the sound of the doors opening disrupted the quiet of the room and Lydia jerked her hand back. Everyone turned their attention to the center of the room and he watched as Magnus walked in. He had to be hallucinating. That was the only logical explanation to why Magnus Bane was standing in the middle of the aisle during his wedding. Magnus was staring at him intensely and Alec wished he would stop. It was making it hard to focus on why he was choosing to go through with this wedding in the first place when Magnus was standing there staring at him, seeming to hold all of his hopes, dreams, and happiness. Holding a future that Alec could look forward too. He heard hushed conversation in the room and saw Mayrse say something but he didn't really hear it. All of his focus was on Magnus. Magnus who's eyes were challenging him to choose. Choose Lydia and follow the life and duty he had always had or take a risk and choose him and by doing so choosing his own happiness. He watched his parents stand and his mother angrily walk toward Magnus. She had seen something in his eyes. The indecision to go through with this. He didn't think she knew exactly why but she had picked up that Magnus was the reason for this indecision. She said something to Magnus and Magnus held up two fingers dismissing whatever she had said. He said something too but Alec wasn't sure what it was. Magnus stepped forward and stopped. He was still staring and Alec suddenly felt like he was having trouble breathing. Why did Magnus have to complicate things? Why did he have to give Alec hope and a chance to choose himself? To follow his heart instead of his sense of duty? He was brought out of his thoughts by Lydia who said his name. She was smiling at him. Was she smiling because she expected him to go on with the wedding and she wasn't sure why he had stopped or was she smiling because she knew and she was telling him that if was ok? Ok for him to leave her at the altar for his own happiness?
"I-I uh...." He tried to take a deep breath. "I can't breathe." He said finally.
"I know. It's ok." She said smiling wider. Ok? Ok for him to be nervous at his wedding or ok for him to not want to go through with this? What did she mean? It was ok for him not to give and give all of himself until there was nothing of him left? It was ok for him to choose Magnus? He thought about what would happen if he married Lydia. He had a vision of him years in the future miserable and hating everyone and everything because he was empty. A shell with any and all hope taken from him. He thought about Magnus. Magnus who was so different from him. Who loved parties, glitter, was magical, and handsome, and who Alec could have something with. Love not now but maybe someday. It suddenly hit him that he had honestly already made his choice the second Magnus had walked in. He, Alexander Lightwood was going to choose himself and his own happiness and he would not regret it.
"I can't do this." he paused trying to collect his thoughts "I thought we were doing the right thing but this isn't it."
She shook her head "You don't have to explain." Alec felt a wave of thankfulness and appreciation for her.
"Lydia I'm sorry." he really was sorry. For leaving her on the altar. For not letting her dream of becoming the head of an Institute a reality. For everything.
"Hey," she put her hand on his cheek. "You deserve to be happy. Ok? I'll be fine." She understood why he was doing this. She understood and she wasn't angry at him. He found himself admiring her. She was a strong, beautiful women and she would find someone that loved her like she deserved if she chose to find someone else. He took a deep breath and turned to face Magnus as well as the future he had chosen. He stared back at Magnus and instead of the shaken unsure stare that he had been staring at Magnus with earlier, now it was confident and sure of himself and the choice he had made. He walked down the steps and paused. Now Magnus was the one who looked uncertain. Alec started walking toward him and watched as his mother quickly walked forward to intercept him. He could see that she had figured out what was going on and what had happened. He thought that maybe she had always known deep down and wouldn't admit it to herself.
"Alec, what are you doing?" she barely had time to say before he cut her off
"Enough." Enough of fixing everyone else's messes, enough of trying to be the perfect older sibling, enough of repressing himself so much that he was living a lie. He had had enough. He continued walking and noticed a slight look of nervousness on Magnus' face before he grabbed the lapels of Magnus' jacket and pulled him forward to kiss him. He didn't care about the Clave representatives, his family, or anyone else. He had followed his heart taking the advice that Magnus had given him and he had set his future on the course to happiness.
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This is based on Episode 12 of Shadowhunters and all of the dialogue is taken from that episode. Thank you for reading!
