lipstick || h.s. short story

04

Maybe I should be more like her.

"We'll get back to you soon, thank you sir." I spoke before putting the handset back on the telephone. I typed in the latest report from the caller on my computer and reread my documents before filing out the necessary details. Work has been slow, but if this is the only thing that will distract me from my thoughts, then so be it. I walked over to where I should put the documents used, but I hear someone's footsteps and the sound of paper crumpling. And soon enough, Ivy, the only person in the office who actually considered me as her friend, is walking right beside me as I came back to my cubicle.

"Hun, this is the third time this week that you forgot to place the documents in the right pile. Are you sure you're okay?" She asked me as I sat down on my chair and continued my work. I sighed in response and rubbed my eyes as I looked at her.

"Forget I ever asked that question. You look like shit!" She whispered, observing my face. "Oh babe, what happened to you?"

I turned my face away from her, and I catch a glimpse of my reflection by the small mirror I got for my cubicle: puffy eyes from all of the nights I cried myself to sleep, chapped lips from biting and licking my lips too often because of the anxiety running through me, cheeks sagging from frowning too much. It's like I never even tried to take care of myself at all, and I hate myself for it.

"Is it him, babe?" Ivy asked me, and I grip the handles of my chair and sighed to myself.

"I'll take that as a yes," she spoke. "Do you wan't to talk about it?"

"No. I don't want to, and I'm not planning to." I snapped. It must've taken Ivy aback because after that we're both quiet, and I just wished that I hadn't done that because she'll probably think that I'm a bitch now and—

"I understand, babe. I'm sorry." She walked towards me and gave me a hug, and I tried my best not to cry on her shoulder because I've had enough for today. Harry and I are stuck in a rut for the past few days: wake up, make breakfast, eat in silence, work, wait for him until he's home, and most of the times, cry myself to sleep until he comes home and sleeps on the couch. He doesn't even have the nerve to kiss me in the morning like we used to do. He doesn't even talk to me about his work and his friends and his family like we used to do. He doesn't even try to crack a joke or goof around with me like we used to do. It's like we just exist with one another, and when we're out, it's like we're strangers again. I'm outside the world he's made up again, just when I thought that I finally belong in his life.

"If you need anything, just call me, alright?" She told me before rushing back to her cubicle. I sat there in my seat, wanting to move and do my work, but I couldn't. I'm back in my limbo, thinking and thinking what am I going to do with this. I needed a solution, and I feel powerless because I can't think of anything that will solve this. What made him like her? What was it about her that made him love her more than he loved me? What did she have that I didn't? Beauty? Confidence? Intelligence? Her personality? Was she more outgoing than I was? Was she more carefree than I was? Am I uptight? Too safe? What was it? Should I be more like her? Should I—

"Why aren't you working?" My boss snapped me out of my thoughts. I murmured an apology and sighed to myself. I need to distract myself. This is for my own benefit. I need to stop thinking about it, but throughout this day, the thought keeps bugging me until I can't do anything properly. And up until my shift was done, I'm still in a trance, stuck in my head sorting ways of confronting him tonight. I bought a few groceries on the way back and when I came home, it wasn't a surprise to see that I was alone again in the apartment. I sighed as I set the groceries down on the counter and placed a few of them inside our refrigerator, and I didn't even notice that our "Happy 3rd Anniversary" cake was still there, still untouched, still neglected. I took it out of the refrigerator and planned on giving the cake to a few of my neighbours, preferably that old couple a few doors down my own, and to my surprise, the door opens, and he walked in, his coat on one hand and a few groceries on his other hand too.

"You're home early." I spoke as I covered the cake at set it aside.

"I didn't expect you to buy groceries, too." He spoke to me, before setting what he bought on the counter. I noticed his gaze fall on the cake by the sink, and he makes a beeline for it when I set a few of what I bought on the cabinets. It was silent, and I'm pretty sure he read the words on the cake. It's not long before someone wraps their arms around my waist as I kept doing my own task.

"I'm so sorry I forgot." He murmured, kissing the top of my head as I ignored his actions.

"You're late anyways, so why bother?" I sighed. I removed his hands from my waist and grabbed the cake at placed it inside the refrigerator.

"I've been an ass, haven't I?" He spoke.

"Well, no shit Sherlock." I spat bitterly. Once the frozen food was already in the refrigerator, I continued to put more in the cabinets. I bit my lip from keeping my tears from falling. I can't even face him, because I'll just fall for him again and I'll forgive him and he'll keep lying to my face about her. I just know it, and I'm a few steps near the edge but I don't want to do it. I don't want to give him the reaction he wanted. He pleaded and begged and hugged and said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." until his mouth was tired from saying those words, but I stayed silent. He finally gave up when he abruptly let his arms unwrap around me.

"Darling, please face me." He spoke quietly. I stopped my movements and sighed, turning around to face him. His hands slowly made their way to caress my face until our lips met. Slowly and steadily, our mouths moulded into each other, speaking words we weren't meant to say. But even if our kiss was slow and sweet, there was something else on his lips. Lipstick. It was her again. Even in our most intimate moments, she would always be there. And suddenly, it felt like her lips were the ones I'm kissing. I can imagine her; slow, soft, delicate, different. And I pulled away, because I was disgusted with myself. She was there. I repeated inside my head. She was there on his lips. She was there. She was there. She was there.

"If you think I'm going to forgive you that easily after one kiss, you're wrong." I snapped at him.

"I'm already putting my effort into making it up to you and you're not even taking it into consideration. And you kissed me, too. Don't forget that." He bit back. He stormed towards the door, grabbing his coat and left, but not before saying to me, "I'm not coming home tonight."

I stared at the door as I listened to his footsteps, and it feels like all of the memories, the kisses, the nights and secrets we shared were with him when he left. It's like I finally lost him forever. "Fine."

I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her too... she's perfect.

--

a/n: i know what you're thinking: why in the world is she letting herself get hurt?? leave that bih for all he cares

y'all better be patient, this is where it all really starts ;) next chapter is probably one of my faves. hold up on there ;)

OH AND IF U GOT TWITTER FOLLOW ME AT "styoncestan" AND YOU'LL FIND A FEW HINTS ALONG THE WAY ;)) (yes i'm promoting my twitter at the same time don't fight me this is also for the greater good)

see y'all next time!!