HORROR SHOW LOVE

HORROR SHOW

The room was dark. Almost all dark. My tool glimmered on the cold floor of the dank bathroom. It shined glitter grey from the light crawling through the bottom or the door. I sat alone. Curled up into a cold corner. The tool sat on the floor. Its stare sent shivers down my spine. I felt a change in my frigid body. I smiled. And then I cringed. It was time. Did it have to be? Yes. It had to be. I guided the silver tool across my porcelain while flesh made invisible by the swallowing darkness.

Memories. I pushed them away, out of mind. They pushed back.

Grade 8 year. New school. Two friends. The rest of the class either hated me or didn't even know I existed. Valedictorian speech. I was horrified. Why did I even sign up? No clue. Won two awards besides valedictorian. Christian leadership and highest female academics. I was happy for the most part. In the movies there is always epic grad parties. I wasn't invited. Facebook showed me the day after what I had missed. All the class sat together at Moose Winooski's for a group photo. Of course I wasn't there. Oh well.

***

I woke up. I rushed downstairs, the early morning sun burst into the kitchen. Yellow light revealed a small, disorganized kitchen. Standing on my tiptoes I reached up into the medicine cabinet. I fumbled my hand around, feeling the different pill containers until I found the shortest one. I pulled it out of the cupboard and set it out on the black lifeless stove. Again I reached up. This time I pulled out a thin sheet. I popped out a pill from the sheet and swallowed. Putting the sheet back, I grabbed the small orange container off of the stove. I opened it and grabbed a tiny blue pill. I put the container down and swallowed the pill. I don't even need a drink to go with it anymore. I've gotten used to pills. Before putting away the container I sigh.

"Shit". I mummer to myself. "We'll just double her dosage". The doctor's word's echoed in my head. I take another small blue pill only to limp back up the stairs to my room. I get ready as usual. Hair. Makeup. Uniform. My stomach aches. It's a sensation I've learned to ignore. Just hunger back, ignore it, and act like it's not there. It's hard to do when the sensation is screaming at me to curl up into a ball and cry but I manage. Somehow. I pop a pair of waffles into the toaster. I guess I might as well eat today. The waffles are boring.

The school hallways torment me. They mock me. People crowd. I shrivel up. Meek. Quiet. Afraid. Somebody walks straight into me while I'm walking to my class. My book spill on to the floor. Seemingly in slow motion. I quickly stumble to the ground. Desperately trying to gather my books. "I'm so sorry" I hear the person who walked into me say. I don't respond. I gather my things. Looking at the ground I walk away as fast as possible. I turn my red face down to the tiled floor of the hallway. I did not look at the person who had bumped into me. Not even once. My heart beats fast and faster and faster and faster. Faster. Faster. Faster. I hear pounding in my ears. Like drums. Louder. Louder. Louder.

Class. I listen. I talk to people who sit with me. I smile. The mask I wear isn't as heavy as I thought it'd be. It's second nature. No, its first nature. I don't need to force anything. It just happens. Even if I don't want it to. I can't even cry without desperately trying to hide it with a distraught smile. Even if I'm alone. I can't help it. Even if I want to cry, even if I want to show people how sad I am. I can't. People will never understand.

***

People are the worst. Including myself of course. People lie. People betray. People are hypocritical sadistic beings. I've learned this from experience. People can be kind, open, loving and caring beings as well. Just not very often.

I got home with my sibblings. The pounding in my head called me to the medicine cabinet. Tylenol extra strength is my go-to. I take an extra while nobody is looking. The medicine proves itself ineffective as I sit myself down at the table. "I have a headache." I say it out loud, for all to hear. It was a migraine. Of course they acknowledge it but don't do anything to help.