Troubled times

So.....

Okay well seeing as i have no idea how to start this ill just basically ramble till i cant anymore. So there was a time in my life where i didnt have confidence in who i was i was a happy kid yea but i didnt love who i was and i pretended and hid that insecurity for as long as i can remember growing up i just knew something was different about me but i hid it i am gay and i know that now but back then when i was a kid it scared me to even consider the possibility of being different i wanted normalcy and acceptance from my peers so i would try extra hard to be what they wanted me to be i played basketball with all the boys and with the girls in my grade i was nice to them but i mainly stuck to hanging with guys i was a tomboy and that made it harder for me because kids can be so mean i really hated that my mom used to say my heart was too pure for this world i was too nice to defend myself from bullies too shy to pick a fight and too afraid that they would say because i was different i wasnt accepted by them boy was i in for a reality check fast forward to fourth grade in came my first girl crush god she was so beautiful she had perfect tan sunkissed skin and eyes that were like galaxies she was my first best friend that was a girl she was so nice to me i felt something weird the first time she said my name it was like a thousand surges of electricity sparked inside me despite being young i knew that i loved her you might think how would u know when u never kissed a girl what about all the guys u hung out with didnt u think about them and the answer is the first time she ever smiled at me i spent the next 24 hours writing about it at home that never happened with a boy so as time went on things became rocky with my friend she would be really weird sometimes and say things like why do u hang around me so much you stalker as i said before i was really shy and sensitive so i got upset about this really hard i spent the better part of sixth grade ignoring her and suppressing any and all thoughts of loving someone of the same sex away i dated two guys and by the time i got to eighth grade i met someone new man i had it bad for this new girl ironically she was the one who taught me how to love myself and not care what others thought about me i should mention that the school we went to most people were homophobic so i stayed way under the radar with this stuff but as we got older i notice every time i stared at a guy nothing would happen but everytime i stared at a girl i felt things that made me feel normal like everyone else with crushes and first loves but i also knew this came at a price potentially hindering relationships with friends teachers classmates siblings parents etc i hid and i hid until i just couldnt fight it anymore and i had this weird conversation with the second crush on skype she just straight up asked me hey do u think u would ever like girls me being me my throat closed up i coughed for ten minutes i started feeling my heart hammering in my ears i was nervous for the next words coming out of my mouth i told her i dont know what to say and she said the truth tell me the truth we had this thing called truth time where u just had to put it all out there so i coughed again and said yea i think i am bisexual ....... Right then i felt two things relieved i finally got it out and scared shitless about making that thought real to the universe she just literally laughed and i was really confused she told me she knew it from like very early on in the friendship in eighth grade and we were sophmores in high school when i came out to her she said do your parents know or anyone else and i was like hell no so dont tell anyone (spoiler alert when someone tells u dont tell anyone dont fucking tell anyone) super spoiler alert; she outed me like a week later to our entire friend group and my mom and then word spread and basically everyone knew about it by the end of that year u could imagine how devastated that might make a person right well try losing a friend to suicide that same week on top of it jeez man it was shit sailing for a while but eventually i came to terms with the fact that this was a part of me i could not deny anymore i had to face that even though this made me different from the societal norms built up in the school i went to this does not mean that its something i chose or that its something i can control because its not and i know that now ur probably wondering why im telling u this its because i know how many people struggle with this kind of issue and i know that it would make a difference if they knew they werent alone all of u are beautiful u have qualities about u that u cant do anything about but thats completely fine being different doesnt mean there is something wrong with u conformity doesnt mean normalcy and societal norms only apply if u let them dont let people tare you down for things like this its your opinion of yourself that matters thats it things do get better