Imperfect

Chapter 5

“You’ve been warned, Nell. This is the last time we have this conversation,” she said, turning on her heel and disappearing into the dining room.

I slumped against the railing, my breath moving in and out of my lungs in short pants, the air in the house seeming thick, clogged with disapproval and hatred.

Tears collected at the corners of my eyes as I lurched my way up the stairs, my legs shaking so hard that I nearly fell several times.

I can’t go back there. I won’t.

Finally, I made it to my room and collapsed onto my bed, desperately trying to take deeper breaths, to fill my lungs but it wasn’t working.

My mind kept running over all the things she’d said to me and my panic was climbing until my heart felt like it was seizing in my chest.

I moaned and slid to the floor, tears streaming down my face as every muscle in my body cramped up and my body forgot how to breathe, to function.

C’mon Nell, it’s not real. You’re fine. Breathe. Just breathe.

My vision was going black and my panic wasn’t receding. I couldn’t get the sight of my mother’s enraged face out of my head. My mind swam with it, her words mixing into the anxiety inducing cocktail and for the first time in a long time, I wished for the pills I’d been prescribed, wished I’d taken them so I wouldn’t have to feel this pain.

Think, Nell. Use your head, calm down.

Some fragment of sanity managed to penetrate the fog and I began to list the constellations in my head, taking my mind off of the panic as I occupied it with the familiar names.

“Big dipper, little dipper, Cassiopeia, Cepheus, Draco, Orion, Capella, Castor and Pollux, Corona Borealis, Sagittarius, Spica...

I kept going until I managed to suck in a breath between each name and the pain in my chest receded to a dull ache. Angrily, I swiped at the moisture on my cheeks, furious at myself for losing control, for letting it get to that point. It had been so long since I had a panic attack, so long since I fell apart to that extent.

For a moment, I considered staying there, slumped on the floor, my back bowed, my mind and body defeated, my resolution to stop caring a distant memory, stolen away in the span of a few minutes.

Instead, I straightened my spine, tilting my head back as I slowly pieced myself back together, the attack leaving a dull ache in my chest, like a bruise.

I stood up and headed towards my door, intent on getting to the bathroom so I could wash my face but I froze.

Paige stood there, her eyes locked on mine and for a second, I thought I saw pain in their depths and compassion.

Then it was gone and her lips curled into a sneer before she turned her back and walked away from me.

I let out a slow, shaky breath, gritting my teeth against the pain and betrayal adding to the mix of emotions making a home in the pit of my stomach, jumbling my brain.

I walked into the bathroom and turned on the cold water, waiting until it was freezing before I splashed my face with it again and again, hoping it could wake me up.

After a few minutes, I straightened and dried my face, my eyes locked on my reflection, seeing the weariness on my own features, the strain in my own eyes.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

My eyes stung at the thought, knowing that it was true but the very thought made me sick to my stomach.