Out of Bounds [h.s. au]

Chapter 39

"I gotta go," I declared, freeing myself from his grasp.

"Tisa," he protested.

"I'll try to be there," I said again, dropping my hand to grab his. I gave it a tight squeeze before releasing it and turning for the door once again.

*

I must have changed my mind a million times. At first I rolled the idea around in my head for a day or two. Then I decided I would go to the birthday party. Harry had pleaded for me to come. I could still picture the look on his face, and hear the cry in his voice.

I decided to get him a small gift, nothing too extravagant, but something that signified how I felt about him, how we felt about each other. Now, two days later as I sat on Penny's sofa, turning the gift over in my hand, I was having second thoughts.

Maybe it was too soon. Maybe I was rushing back into something, and I should wait a little longer. Maybe I should have just laid it to rest.

It was Friday night, the day before Harry's party and two days before his actual birthday. Penny was gone to a gig, and I was home alone. I felt the need to talk to someone, anyone really. I had so much bottled up inside me. I wanted to let it out some kind of a way. Suddenly, I had an idea.

It had been ages since I'd written a letter - an actual hand-written letter. But when I grabbed a notebook that I still had stored in my backpack from school and a pen from the kitchen, I knew it was what I needed to do.

I wrote line after line, paragraph after paragraph. I felt the tears run down my face, the inevitable emotional breakdown I should have had days, weeks, maybe even months ago, finally making its appearance. I wrote everything that came to mind, every little thing I needed and wanted to say, no matter how late I thought I was saying it. I didn't worry about the consequences, nor the reaction that Harry might have to the letter. I needed to get it out. He needed to know how I felt.

When I'd completed several pages and the tears were no longer coming like a dam and my body no longer shook because of it, I put down my pen, folded the paper, and stuck it inside an envelope. Then on the front, I wrote in bold letters: PLEASE READ BEFORE OPENING THE GIFT.

*

"Tisa," Penny huffed, staring at the small box and envelope in my hands, "you said you were going!"

"I know I did," I said, "but I changed my mind. Just give him the gift and the letter for me, alright?"

"Tisa, this is ridiculous! Just come to the party and give it to him yourself!"

I shook my head, keeping my tone calm. "No. It's not the time to talk to him just yet, not with all the other people there. He'll read the letter, he'll understand, hopefully. Just try to get him to do that last, okay?"

"Like when everyone's gone, or-"

"Yeah," I nodded, "that would probably be best."

Penny rolled her eyes and sighed, finally taking the items from me. "I don't get it, but okay. He's gonna be so disappointed you didn't show up."

"It's his birthday party," I commented. "I'm sure he'll be fine. You and Zack and Grayson alone will make sure of that."

With one more shake of her head, Penny hugged me and headed toward the door. When she reached it, she turned back to me.

"If he starts crying, I'm calling you and making you get in the car and drive over!"

I pursed my lips. "Fair enough."

*

Dear Harry,

I have so much I want to tell you, and this is the only way I can think to do it. When I was a kid, my mom would tell me I kept my emotions inside and rarely revealed them to people. We had never been terribly close, and maybe that's why. I'm still not sure if my revealing my emotions to her would have made much of a difference, though. I'd always thought she showed enough emotions for the both of us. She cried at the drop of a hat, let everything get to her, and wore her heart on her sleeve. My dad and I were always walking on eggshells around her, wondering which thing would set her off next. She was at the very least, a drama queen, and I vowed never to be like her.