Mud | Obikin

4.

"Now, go to your bed, have some sleep."

"You know I won't. I can't understand why you bother asking."

"This is a bunk bed, Anakin, and we are two grown men. I'm uncomfortable and hot."

He squints mischievously. "Yeah, I see. Absolutely uncomfortable and definitely hot."

"Not funny."

"It is, shut up."

He rests his head on my chest and falls asleep shortly after.

When I wake up, my arm is numb from Anakin's weight on it. Someone is moving outside the tent, it must be morning already.

For a moment, I wonder how it is possible that we are naked and entwined into the same bed. For the second time today, an absurd happiness pervades me like a fever.
His body is sweated and hot against mine, and I cannot imagine another place where I'd rather be. A lock if hair sticks to his forehead. I just want to move it away and kiss him.

I take a deep breath and slide off the bed.
He turns to the other side with a moan.

I'm fastening my belt when I see he's awake and intent on me, supporting himself on one of his elbows.

"'Good morning, Master." His sleepy voice makes me desperately want to return to bed.

"Get dressed," I say instead. "There's a lot to do, and we have a meeting with Rex at ten."

He gapes at me. "Really?"

"Really."

"Usually, I'm the one who runs away, the morning after."

"I'm not running away. You are making it a bigger deal than it is."

"If you are so nonchalant about sex with your former Padawan, why don't you come back here and have some more?"

"Anakin, the fact that we can have sex does not mean we should."

"I knew it couldn't be that easy."

I massage my eyes. Why he never stops when he can? Couldn't he help me save what can still be saved and keep that mouth closed, for once?

"Trust me, it couldn't be easier. See you there." I take advantage from being the only one fully dressed and make my way out.

I sense his anger from the other side of the camp.

He's right, I'm running away. My excuse is that we need time to cool down and reflect. At least, this is what I will do. I doubt that Anakin's plans for the morning are the same as mine.

I spend the rest of the day avoiding him. To tell the truth, there's no real need to do that, as he seems to be ignoring me too.

During the meeting, we do our best not to look or talk to each other. Rex moves his gaze from one to another, perplexed.

I was lying, there's little left to do. I just wander around the camp, caking my boots with mud for the last time, saying goodbye to this planet and being quite useless and confused. Among the other things, I feel guilty. Such a familiar feeling when I think about Anakin.

I felt guilty when we first met, for being jealous of him. Then, when Qui-Gon died, for not being enough as a Master. Now, for my attachment. For wanting him. For failing him.
I am the one who should have known better.

Hours later, we meet again in the chaos of hundreds of Clones embarking. We exchange an edgy look, then he disappears into the operation room to annoy the Commander, as he always does as soon as he gets on board.

We have a whole day of travel ahead, we can't just hide from each other. I must talk to him in the right way, and do my best to clarify things.
Negotiating a treaty with a herd of Banthas would be easier.

Anakin considers what has happened between us his victory. I know he totally sees it this way. He craves for absolute possession, the only form of love he can conceive. He tried everything during his Padawan years to make me his personal property, now he finally feels he managed to own me.
He won't let go of his conquest without fighting and he won't be reasonable. It's always all or nothing for him.

We have dinner at the officials' table, sit side by side, our elbows almost touching. We answer their questions and laugh when appropriate.

For a moment, I'm proud of him overcoming his anger and being able to behave, instead of brooding in a corner. I know how hard it is for him.

Stang, will I ever stop being his teacher and judging every move he makes?

After an infinite time spent talking nonsense, we finally meet outside our cabin. Anakin half smiles, opening the door for me. I feel like a fly caught in the web.

"I don't know what to say," I start, as we awkwardly stand in the middle of the room.

"It would be the first time in your life." He doesn't leave me the time to answer back. "What we had yesterday shook me from foundations. It has been the most intense experience I've ever shared with anyone. You want to pretend nothing happened. This is absurd."

What am I supposed to say? My throat tightens with the need to shout out that I feel the same.

Nothing is easy with Anakin, ever. He won't stop until we say things we'll come to regret and everything becomes a total mess.

"It wasn't the most brilliant idea we've ever had, but there's nothing more to do or say about it. It doesn't define our relationship in any way, it's just something that happened."

"So, why do you think it was such a terrible idea if it's not going to change anything?"

Sometimes, I believe that he hasn't paid attention to a thing I've said in my whole life. All that time wasted talking about foreseeing the consequences of your words and actions. I make my mistakes too but, at least, I'm aware of where they lead.

"Do you really need me to explain why we shouldn't have sex?"

"I'm sick and tired of your diplomacy, Negotiator. Lay it down."

This is going to be a disaster.

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Alcalina