Mud | Obikin

2.

I shouldn't have.
I feel his puzzled eyes on the back of my head.

"I... Thank you," he mumbles.

It's my turn to look surprised. I raise my eyes to meet his, and abruptly get up.
I tell him I have work to do and leave.

Hours pass quickly; a lot to do, and a last-day-of-school atmosphere that makes everything harder to accomplish.

As usual, it's unbearably hot.
We hope for it to rain. When it starts showering, it only gets damper. We pray for it to stop.
We've been doing this more than once a day, every day.

By late afternoon, we are ready.
The soldiers are talking about a party for this evening, so I'm glad they finished their work early. They need time to decompress after the battle, and before leaving.

Wandering outside the camp, I realise I haven't seen Anakin since this morning.
It has been like being able to breathe again and suffocating at the same time.

I must do something about this right now. I've been putting it off for too long, but I keep finding excuses.
Anakin is possessive, I tell myself, he would feel abandoned if I leave him. And this war needs us together. The amazing duo.
I can't let my weakness interfere with my duty to the Republic.

Bantha fodder. I'm fooling myself, pretending not to see what scares me most. A thing I can't even name.
I need Anakin. I want to be with him. Something a Jedi should not feel, and I'm not talking about attachment. His presence fogs my mind, his closeness makes me sick for more.

I let his affaire with Padme go on when I could have ended it. I knew it could destroy them both, and I did nothing.
I gave myself plenty of reasons, but the flat truth is that I was terrified by my jealousy and wanted to prove myself it wasn't affecting me instead.
I avoided doing the best for him, for them, just to save myself. I'm a coward.

The sun is setting down when I come back.
Around the bonfires, the Clones drink and laugh. I walk by, and they jovially greet me. Their contentment would have been impossible just hours ago.

I eat with them, trying to enjoy the warm atmosphere. They glance at me often, wondering where Skywalker is, or noticing something out of place in my expression.
Not long after, I thank them and get back to the tent.

I can't talk sincerely to Anakin, he won't understand. My feelings would hurt him, disgust him.
This is not what he wants. He wants me to be there for him, comforting and reassuring, and to turn my head away when he's with her. That's all.

I will not even try the trite speech about the dangers of attachment. It never worked with him, and it will not work this time.
On top of this, I'm not sure the Temple will accept my request. Maybe I should talk to Master Yoda first, just to be sure.

I'm confused to the point that I don't know anymore if my thoughts make sense or are just new excuses.

Our tent is dark and empty.
I sit on the bed, thinking this is the last night we spend together.
Part of me still hopes we could go on like this, without any change. I might bury what I feel and pretend it doesn't exist.

When Anakin arrives, I'm seriously considering this.

He's dirty and messy, but his eyes shine. His Signature glares, electric and expectant. "Where have you been, for Force's sake? After a whole day at the infirmary, I had to spend an hour looking for you."

"Meditating. You could use it too, you know." Despite all my efforts to sound cheerful, I only look worn out.

He stares at me, his head tilted. "You're having a bad day."

"I'm just tired."

"This will help." He takes a dark bottle from the backpack behind his bed. "Ambassador's gift. She said it was precious and recommended saving it for the right occasion and person."

"You know what? I prefer not to know what you did to merit such a gift from her."

"And I prefer not to tell." Anakin grins.

I must look somewhere else.

He sits next to me and pulls the cork off. "I thought brooding was my own prerogative."

"I'm sorry, Anakin. I'm not in the mood."

"I can't drink alone. Come on, Master: last night together!"

He puts his lips on the bottle neck. I am hypnotised.

Then, he cleans his mouth with the back of his hand and gives me the bottle. It's thick and sweet, something Coruscanti would serve with a dessert.

"Drink with me or be questioned about what's going on until you tell me. You decide."

I wait for the alcohol to warm my chest before talking. "I was serious about asking for different missions next time."

"I know you were. Only, I don't understand why you always feel the need to hurt me."

"You know I do not want to hurt you," I mutter.

He's staring at me, and I get up because I can't stay so close to him anymore.
I'm weak, muddled, and fear I won't be able to say the right thing. I can't even remember what the right thing was.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." He takes my hand "Stay, please."

I know how difficult asking is for him, so I let him pull me back on the bed, our shoulders touching.
We keep on drinking in silence.

It's a terrible idea, and I know it, but I don't move because, after tonight, I will not have Anakin's exclusive for a long time. He won't look at me this way anymore, he won't beg me to stay.

Anakin talks again when the bottle is empty, staring at his dirty boots.

"It was all so simple, between us." There's nothing I can say, so I let him go on. "I'm getting all drunk and melancholic while I promised to cheer you up. I'm sorry."

I desperately want to hug him, the way I would have when he was a kid.
I just whisper that it's okay.

The silence feels dangerous, so I try to fill it. "I don't think we've ever been drunk together, have we?"

"I can't believe you forgot Kato Nemoidia," he replies, deadly serious.

When we laugh, we are the same we used to be.

"You were the drunk one, I was perfectly lucid. Otherwise, I wouldn't have come up with a brilliant plan like that."

"You were drunker than me! You wouldn't have the guts to propose that to me if you were sober."

Our smiles fade slowly. He says that he misses this, that he misses us.

"You know I will always be here for you." It's my Master voice talking, and this only makes him angry.

"Can't you be honest, for once?" Anakin grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Do you still know how to you be yourself, or are you going to play the conscientious Master, the kriffing perfect Jedi forever?"

He feels so vulnerable, almost desperate as he wreaks himself over my shields.

"I try to be the Jedi I should be. You can't blame me for this."

"Do that with everybody else, not with me. Why build a wall like this? What did I do to desert you to the point that you can't talk to me anymore? You can't even look at me."

"You can't really believe this. You are an exceptional Jedi, and I couldn't be prouder of you."

He closes his eyes, as to let my words sink in. "When I'm not using my lightsaber I'm a terrible Jedi. We both know."

"Anakin, we all fight to follow the path the Force shows us. None of us is perfect, what matters is the effort we put to overcome our weaknesses. If I seem distant is just because I don't want you to witness mine and be disappointed with me. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you doing this."

"You have never been disappointing." He places a hand on the back of my neck and makes our foreheads touch. "There will never be a man I consider more."