Secrets Beneath the Surface

I n t r o d u c t i o n

Hey Mom, Dad.

If you're reading this, it probably means I'm dead. Hopefully I'm dead.

If I am not dead, that means I'm a failure, once again.

But before I go, I wanna tell you guys something since you'll probably be wondering why this is - why I'm lying dead and out cold.

But understand, when reading this, I mean everything that's written. But don't take it offensively. Don't let me ruin you guys.

It's from the beginning. Interestingly enough, I thought about death from a young age. Mom, you always wanted a girl after having two boys. But I am - was - a boy. You weren't too disappointed though, 'cause you claimed I brought you great joy during my baby and toddler years. But as I got older, you saw a change. You saw someone that was a disappointment, a failure.

You saw someone that you didn't even recognize anymore. You saw someone that you refused to believe was your own son. But you always had plastered that fake smile on your face, assuring me that everything was fine whenever I had messed up. Except, you never knew that I saw right through it. It's something I nicknamed "The Ghost Smile." You wore it whenever you were around me.

Dad, you were always proud of my older brothers. They got into top colleges, graduated, and live the life you're living but with their own success. I, on the other hand, didn't get top grades. Hell, I wasn't near above average. You tried to craft me into a gentleman whenever you could: making me where ties, a suit, dressing shoes, gelling my hair to the side. But you didn't know that I wasn't made up of clay and could morph into anything you wanted. I was stone: cold, hard, and stubborn.

It was the pressure to be perfect. The pressure to be the best. The pressure to top everything. I disappointed everyone. Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Robert and Calum. I couldn't get what you guys wanted. I couldn't keep up the family line. So, in shorter terms, a failure. A disappointment.

Now that I'm writing this, I guess my death isn't so selfish after all. Maybe my death is for the best, it'll keep the good reputation that the nice, ol' Fisher's have.

Mom, remember when you told me to dive into the sea of adventures, to start living my life with a dare? Well, I took your advise and jumped.

Except I forgot I couldn't swim.

I couldn't breathe.

And the currents were so strong and the waves were so big, that they were pulling me under. And Mom, Dad, Robert, Calum, I'm begging you, please, I'm pleading with you, believe me that I had been trying so hard to please you. I had been trying so hard to do my best and make you guys proud. I was trying.

I was fighting against the water, I was trying to breathe as much air as possible, I was thrashing and striving towards the land.

But the waves were too powerful for my weak arms. And so, with slow force, they were pulling me under.

And eventually I let them.

-Devin Mathias Fisher