Out Of Nothing At All

Part Twelve

Except that was what you'd wanted 10 weeks ago. Not now.

But.......You must be being punished. For wanting it at all.

A few minutes later the door crashed open again, Spencer rushing into the room with JJ close behind him. Oh god, he was going to blame you. He'd never forgive you for killing your baby. Because essentially, you had. That had to be what was happening now right? Your body had killed the life it had nourished for 24 weeks and was expelling her from you, just like you'd wanted.

"Is she okay? Is my baby okay?" He narrowed his eyes at you, curled on the bed. "Or did you actually get what you wanted originally?"

"OUT NOW." Hotch stood, pressing his hand against Reids chest hard and pushing him out of the hospital room and into the corridor.

You could hear yelling in the corridor and moved your hands from your tummy to your ears, crying softly. Seconds later you felt a weight on the bed next to you. JJ climbed onto it, and pulled your head onto her lap, stroking your hair gently like you imagined she'd do with Henry when he was upset.

She didn't say anything, just making soothing noises. As a mother herself, you knew she wouldn't dare tell you that everything would be okay. Because she couldn't make that promise to you and only she could really understand how terrified you were at the moment.

"JJ what if he's right... What if this is... What if it's my fault." You buried your head into her lap, gasping for breath now as you sobbed freely and openly.

"Y/N shhhhh. None of this is your fault. You don't know what's happened yet, but whatever it is, it's not your fault."

"But I didn't want her! I wished her away.... I was going to get rid of her. What if she knows. And now...... Oh god, I can't lose her." You couldn't continue. JJ wrapped her arms around you awkwardly, kissing the top of your head.

"Shhhhh. Whatever is happening isn't your fault Y/N." She continued stroking your hair as sobs racked through your body.

"Y/N...... " You looked up to see Spencer and Aaron stood at the door.

"Your Doctor's here to do the ultrasound. She says you can only have one person in the room with you whilst she does it." Hotch spoke and you saw Spencer slowly close his eyes. JJ gently pushed you off her lap, climbing off the bed.

"Spencer..... " He was the Dad, it was only fair.

"We'll be outside okay. She's just setting up." Hotch gaveyou a grim smile and he and JJ left the room leaving Spencer stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. He looked like he might burst into tears himself at any minute.

"I don't wanna lose her Spencer " Your voice so tiny and small, it barely sounded like it came from you. He looked at you and crossed the room so quickly, climbing onto the bed and wrapping his arms around you.

"Me neither Y/N. I'm so so sorry about earlier. I'm sorry for the things I said. I'm sorry for..... "

"Y/N...." Dr Merrins came into the room, an assistant pushing along a portable ultrasound machine.

"So we're what? Week 24?" She checked your notes. "Are you in any pain, any cramping?"

You shook your head, pulling away from Reid to look at her.

"And you started bleeding about an hour ago in the bath tub?" Said so calmly and matter of factly.

"Yes."

"All right. I assume this is Dad?" She motioned to Reid and you nodded. "I need you to hop off the bed for me. Let's have a look and see what's been happening okay."

Spencer obliged and you pulled up your top allowing her to squirt the cold gel onto your tummy, before pressing the wand to it.

Both you and Spencer turned to the screen expectantly, scared of what you would or wouldn't see, him gripping your hand tightly.

Please, please, please let there still be something there. You'd trade everything right now just to hear her heartbeat again. Hell,you'd even be nice to Spencer all the time, you silently bargained with whatever deities there were.

For a few heart wrenching seconds you couldn't see or hear anything. And then, the familiar whooshing sound and an image on the screen.

Her heartbeat.

Oh god... She was still alive in there. Youhadn't killed her. Fresh tears started to flow, tears of relief, of happiness. Then Dr Merrins moved the wand about on your tummy, the image on the screen a changing every few seconds and you could see the tiny life inside of you. The life you'd been petrified had ended.

"Spencer..... "

"I hear her Y/N. And see her. Oh my god.... I can't.... She's okay?" He turned to the Doctor for the last part.

"She seems to be. Heartbeat is good, she's moving around and she doesn't appear to be in any distress. The placenta is slightly lower than we'd like it to be at this stage but not enough to cause any major concern. Y/N we'd like to keep you in for a few hours and hook you up to a monitor, but it honestly seems like it may just have been one of those things. Some women do experience bleeding all the way through their pregnancies, and it can be scary and concerning. You did the right thing coming in, but I think we're okay. We'll run some tests on the samples we've got, to check it's not blood from the placenta but I don't think you've got anything to worry about. Her heartbeat is strong." She patted your arm and smiled at you encouragingly and you let out the huge breath you'd been holding.

She hooked up a contraption to your tummy, wrapping a belt around you to keep it in place and on another screen you could see a little heart symbol flashing on and off. She then attached a pulse oximeter to the tip of your finger and you saw another heart symbol appear, monitoring your own. Pricking your arm, she then drew a couple of vials of your blood, taping you up afterwards.

"Right. Mom and Dad, relax for a bit. I'll send your friends back in whilst we go and run some tests, okay."

JJ and Hotch entered as soon as she and her assistant left.

"Well you're both smiling so can I assume everything's okay?" Hotch asked.

"It seems to be. They want to keep me here though for a few hours just to make sure. You don't need to stay Aaron, I'll get a cab. Thank you for coming so quickly."

"It's no problem at all Y/N." The older agent replied.

"Spence, I presume you're staying?" JJ look at Reid, who looked at you asking if it was okay. Of course it was.

"Okay. Hotch can drive me home and I'll leave my keys Spencer. Your cars at mine anyway so just come and get it tomorrow okay. Save you taking a cab."

She handed her car keys to Spencer, before leaning over and giving you both a quick hug.

"Keep me updated." You promised her that you would.

Hotch came over, hugging you first and then grasping Reids shoulder.

"If you need anything..... And Spencer, remember what I said."

"I will." He voice quiet and croaky with emotion.

The two left, leaving the room quiet except for the sounds of the monitors.

You turned to Spencer, swallowing loudly.

"I'm sorry Spencer. For everything. I was so scared.... I thought.....oh god. I thought we'd lost her. I know I didn't want her to begin with but I want her so much now.... I.... I.... "

He wrapped his arms around you once more, rubbing your back, his face pressed against yours and your tears mingling together. You cried together, for the baby you hadn't wanted, but now you wanted more than anything.

It had taken thinking you were going to lose her, to realise how much you loved her already.