For I Love Two

Prologue

"Society tells me to be who I am, but when I do, they look back and judge."

I remember, back when I was five, I knew that I was different from the others around me. Back then, every Friday, my mother use to take my sister and me to her friend's house. Her friend had two daughters and one son; the two daughters were nine and six, while the son was the same age as me.

My mother would tell us to go off and play with each other while the adults have their talks. My sisters would play with the girls, and they would have mini tea parties while the son and I were to play with his toy cars. As I look back, everything seemed so cliche, and all I wanted to do was play with the girls because they were having so much fun. I remember wanting to put on a tiara and a ballgown while drinking fake tea and pretending to eat plastic pastries. I looked on with longing as I stopped playing with the cars, pushing them away from me.

I remember getting up and making my way to them; at the same time, my mother decided to check on us. And once I made my way to them and opened my mouth to ask to play, everything seemed to stop as I heard my mother say, "What are you doing? You are a boy!" I remember freezing up, gripping my pants, wrinkling them as my face turned red from embarrassment, and I tried to hold back my tears. My mother, harshly, grabbed me by my arm and pulled me back to where the boy set and pushed me down, telling me, "You are supposed to play with car toys as little boys do."

I tried to explain to her that I wanted to dress up with the girls and play with them. I remember my mother raising her hand, the way her face turned red; her red face matched my stinging red cheek. And that was when I started crying as she began yelling what boys do and what girls do. After that day, we never went back, and that was also the day I realized I was different from others.

As I grew up, there were days where I would feel like how "a boy should." I would want to do "masculine" things and go out with my father when he went out to play sports and went fishing, even when he would fix up the cars that we had.

During those days, my mother would think that I am getting better, and I finally fit her standards of what being a "boy" is. But then, there were days that I felt like a feminine and wanted to do things like my sister.

I would let my hair grow because I wanted the same hairstyles as my sister. I wanted to wear pretty dresses and skirts and feel the same feeling my sister would when she wore them. I even watched makeup tutorials with my sister as we would practice on each other. And those were the days my mother would beat me and yell at me that I am freak and wish that I could be "normal." My mother would cut my hair, harshly wiped the makeup off my face, and cut up any girl clothes I owned.

I would cry and try to fuss with her, even though it was always a losing battle. My father stuck to my side and would try to help me by keeping my mother away from me, but he cannot stay 24/7 to be my savior. So, during the times he was gone, my mother would hurt me.

Before reaching high school, I would let my mother's words get to me and think that something was wrong with me. Even the kids from my school got to me because they would bully me and call me names that struck me down each time. At one point, I tried to change and be who my mother wanted me to be to make her happy, but all it did was destroy me.

But, once high school hit, and even though the bullying continued, I have made friends that were there for me and made me believe in myself. So, I started to tune out what society thought and do what brought me happiness. And that was feeling like a male one day, then a female another day; sometimes, I would feel neither of them.

Then, something happened that would take me out of the "norms" of society once again. I am in love. And not with one, but two people. Some people believe that love should be between two people and those two people being female and male.

And, to be honest, I never cared about what gender to fall for, to me, you cannot help who you fall for, no matter what their gender is. Which, I couldn't help but fall for two of my classmates, who are male and would never give me the time of day.

Cedric Avric, a bad boy who doesn't care about the rules and what society sets as the norm. He sounds like the type of boy I can talk to but guess again. He instead ignores everyone and causes problems.

Then there is Michael Lee, who is all for the rules and a strict prodigy. Sometimes I would get his attention because I do not entirely follow the rules, but he only looks at me to tell me how to correct myself. Other than that, he does not acknowledge my existence. Hopefully, this year, I can catch their attention and have them see me for me, maybe even fall for me.

Well, I can only dream.