The Things That I Used To Believe In...

Things That I Used To Believe In...

I used to believe in pixie dust and it having the ability to make me fly and fairies living in the tree's and flowers in my back yard. My thoughts consisted of cotton candy, "My Little Pony" and "Elmo". My thoughts were innocent and I was the biggest optimist to ever step foot on Earth, but then something changed in me. It was like a piece of me died with every new medication that they pumped into me and I no longer held hope for a brighter future. It was like the sickness inside me consumed me and that's what I became, not Jada just another sick kid. Just another life jinxed by bad luck and unlucky gene's. My life became consumed by the next treatment or the fears that I held for the future. But I guess that has always been my biggest issue, I think way to much about the what if's and what's going to happen to me next. If I am having a good day I just wait for the next shoe to drop and I wait for the fall to the ground below. It take's all of my willpower not to scream at the doctors and ask why they keep trying when they know as well as I that I am a hopeless case and always will be. I have been told too many times that my life will always have sickness to believe anything else. My body is too much of a mystery to some of the best doctors to really believe that I will get my sanctity against the ailment that has consumed my very soul and being. I used to believe in prince's and great love stories and now I question if I even deserve love or if it's too much of a burden on that person. My life has always been one uphill battle after the other but now I don't know if the next hill is just going to be too steep for me to climb. I used to believe in the greatest miracles in the world and now I don't know what I believe in or if I believe in anything at all.