Supernatural One Shots & Preferences [Cast & Characters]

27 ~ Turn it off (Sam)

WARNINGS: Sadness, Charlie's death, grief, loss of feelings 😁

Song: Dave Barnes - When a heart breaks (I attached it to this chapter so you don't have to search for it, YAY!)

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I was kneeling in front of her dead body, covered in dirt and blood.
The warm liquid was running down my arms, my face as well as my throat and the cold blood from Charlie's lifeless body in the bathtub of a cheap motel room trickled from my hands.
I heard my own blood rushing through my head, shutting off my ears from my surroundings.
All I could hear was somebody screaming, crying, calling Charlie's name.
My hands held on to her shoulders and I shook her as hard as I could, her head falling from side so side, her muscles slack. The corners of her mouth, usually pulled up into a smile, drooped and a few strands of red hair stuck to the blood on her face.
"You can't be dead!"
I screamed, my voice muffled by the squeaking in my ears.
"YOU'RE NOT DEAD!"
I shook her harder so her head fell to the side as she slid down and sank further into the bathtub filled with her blood.
I felt somebody grabbing my shoulder, trying to pull me back from her but I violently shook the hand off.
"NO! Leave me alone!" I screamed, my voice raw and tired.
Both hands pulled at my shoulders now and I pulled the knife from my shoe to ram it into whatever flesh I could find behind me.
"GO AWAY!" I called in anger and the hands disappeared again.
The screams in my head were only getting louder and louder.
All I could hear, all I could see, all I could feel, was Charlie.
"[Y/N]!" I heard a voice coming through and the screaming stopped.

Everything was silent and I turned around to find Sam and Dean standing behind me, watery eyes and painful looks on their faces.
There was only the three of us and that's when I realized something:
All the crying, the screams, it was all me.
I looked up at Sam, heart pounding, ears bleeping.
Sam. My brave best friend. The love of my life, the light to my darkness. I almost forgot about the bad things in life when I looked up at him.
He fell to his knees in front of me and took my face in his hands.
"[Y/N], listen to me." He stared into my eyes.
"You have to breathe, ok?" He crawled closer so my thighs were trapped between his.
"NO!" I screamed at him, shaking my head.
"I can't. I can't. Just leave me alone, please."
I was pleading by now, barely whispering as I sobbed and leaned my face against his hand even though I just told him to leave.
I didn't want him to stay, but at the same time couldn't stand the thought of him leaving.
"[Y/N], please. Just breathe!" He pleaded me, his hazel eyes hidden behind thick tears.
"I can't do it, Sam. I can't do this anymore." I whimpered and let my weak and tired head fall, only to be caught by Sam's big hands.
There was a moment of silence before he spoke up again.

"Then turn it off, [Y/N]."
My eyes, wide in confusion, found his again.
"What?" I asked, even though I knew exactly what he meant.
I was half human, half angel.
I had the ability to fully go into that angel-robot-mode.
But I had never even thought about doing it.
"Turn off your feelings, [Y/N]." He slightly smiled at me, but it was a sad smile.

Sam knew what it was like to lose someone.
Hell, he was an expert. He knew how much it hurt and god, had he wished to be able to turn off his feelings sometimes.
He couldn't see me in so much pain and unlike me, he didn't know about all the reasons to never do it.
Sam didn't know that once the switch was turned, it was almost impossible to move it again.

"No pain, no sadness, no emptiness in your heart. Just do it." He nodded at me, encouraging me to do it.
"I can't.." I started but he interrupted me.
"Yes, you can. Turn it off, [Y/N]."

I listened to my heart, pounding in my chest. I listened to my own breathing, irregular and fast and rugged. I felt the ache in my chest, that empty feeling, that hole that was ripped into my heart. I felt the tears streaming down my face, mixing with the dried blood on my cheeks. I felt my eyelids, heavy and tired from crying.
I felt Sam's hands in my hair, where I always wanted them to be. I saw his hazel eyes, sadly staring into mine. His face was so close that I could feel his breath against my skin, could almost feel his lips against mine.

Kiss him.
A small part of me that still held hope whispered.

But the rest of me had lost all hope.
I didn't want it to be like this.
I couldn't kiss Sam with Charlie's dead body behind me and a grieving Dean standing behind Sam. I couldn't kiss Sam when we were both crying, both mourning.
And I knew we would always be in some kind of mess.

Suddenly, it all seemed so clear, so easy.
No feelings at all.
No grief, no guilt, no unrequited love.
No pain.

I searched for that switch inside my chest while staring at the mousy and bloody floor beneath me.

Red, such an emotional color.

Then I found it, and I did what I had to do.
I switched it.

Grey, such an emotionless color.

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Important A/N:

Hi guys,

Sorry for the short and crappy chapter. I feel bad these days.
My finals start in about 6 weeks and I'm just generally freaking out.

I wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking of y'all, I just won't have that much time to write.
So please don't forget about me and my stories, I am not going to disappear.
I promise to update weekly as soon as I'm back from hell (June).
There are still going to be updates until then, just not that many.

I also promise that the next story will make you happy, not sad. :)
Any preferred characters? ;)

I love y'all and thank you for all the support.
You guys are amazing ❤️

Always Keep Fighting

~ A