Hidden: An FtM Transgender Story

Dysphoria

There are times when your dysphoria shoots up and when it goes down. FYI, I'm not out to anyone at school.
For me, dysphoria shoots up when:
I'm hanging out with my friends (who are all guys) and I get called the girl, or when I get hit in the chest by someone and people are like oops sorry didn't mean to hit you there.
My chest shows blatantly through my shirts
I have to walk into the girls restrooms, get looked at about a billion times, where everyone would be more comfortable with me in the guys restrooms, and my guy friends just go in
And then, possibly the three biggest events are:
My friends being able to pee standing up but me not
Going to a water park or beach and either - having my period or having my chest seen through my shirt where all my friends can just take off their shirts.
Hips. Not being able to wear jeans because they show my hips, where other people wouldn't care but it hurts me mentally. Seeing myself in the mirror with curves.

And then we have how I deal with these things.
Well, I go online. To this website, or YouTube, seeing inspirational videos.
I dress up, formally or other, and look into my mirror, seeing myself as a guy.
I pack and bind, although packing only at home because everyone I know knows me as a girl and that would be... well... awkward.
Working out - I work out in my room, on my arms, chest, and abs (push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, flies, etc.)
On YouTube seeing people's transitions through T and surgeries

So, if you were wondering, yes, I want surgery. I want it as soon as possible. But, seeing as I'm only 12, it might be a while. I want top and bottom surgery.

Also, the youtubers that I watch:
TheRealAlexBertie
NickCamryn
Skylarkeleven
Ryan Cassata
OleoBlog
Ty Turner
JammiDodger
Benton
Kaden Runner
Ryan Jacobs Flores