Lost Love - A Short Story

'It's been three whole days since I've had sleep'

James tried to hold his composure as he drove to the cemetery, but he already had to pull over twice because he was crying so hard he couldn't see where he was driving; crying so hard he couldn't even breathe.

It had been a little over a week since Isabella's death and James hadn't been to the cemetery to visit her once. But he knew he couldn't avoid it forever. He had to face the music sooner or later.

The ride to the cemetery was a blur and even walking up to Isabella's grave spot was a blur, but before he knew it, he was standing only inches away from where she was buried. He sucked in a deep breath. 'You can do this', he told himself. His shaky legs carried him the rest of the way until he was kneeling in front of the headstone.

It was beautiful like her. Made of the finest marble, half a circle and complete with a picture of her in the center. James' chest constricted painfully as he read the words in scripted into the stone.

Gone But Not Forgotten: Isabella J. Christine

July 16, 1998 - January 28, 2016

James sucked in a deep breath and exhaled shakily. "Hey Bella." he said. He waved the bouquet of roses lightly in the air. "I brought you flowers." he placed them down delicately on the patch of dirt. "I know it's not much but..." James trailed off and suddenly realized that it was getting increasingly harder to stand. So he eased himself down onto the ground and sat in front of the headstone. "So much for those six months, huh Bells?" he said bitterly. He bit his lip upon receiving no reply. "You lied." he said. "You said it would be okay, but it's not Bella. It's not." James wrapped his arms around his torso, tore down the wall he had carefully built up and soon he was sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't speak anymore, he couldn't even think. All he could process was that he wanted his girlfriend back more than anything in the world. He couldn't support his body and he felt himself drop forward slightly, his head resting on top of the headstone. His tears dripped helplessly onto the dirt below him, wetting the roses as well. There was no denying it; James was a wreck.

It took several minutes to compose himself again but when his frantic sobs had reduced to slight whimpers James sat up straight again and wiped at it eyes. "I'm sorry." he said. "I know you always told me it was okay to cry but still... I'm sorry."

As he expected, he received no reply and he bit back the urge to cry some more.

"I miss you so much Isabella." he said in a broken voice. "I would do anything to have you back with me again." he swallowed thickly. "It's- it's been so hard without you. I feel so helpless, so weak... I feel like giving up more than anything."

As he said that, he knew that he had to let Isabella know the truth. Reluctantly, James pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and grimaced at the ugly scars that stood out against his pale skin. "I've been trying so hard to keep it together Bella." he whispered, closing his eyes as tears began to slip down his cheeks. "But I can't. I'm weak, pathetic, stupid... I don't know why you loved me. But you did. And I love you, and that gives me strength." James pulled the razor blade, pocket knife, and protractor out of his coat pocket and placed them against Isabella's headstone. "I'm going to stop Bella." he whispered. "Because I know you've been watching me and I know you're disappointed. I don't want to hurt myself but... it's hard for me to admit that I'm so weak on the inside. But I guess I'm going to have to do that now, aren't I?" James offered a hint of a smile and then sighed. The wind picked up slightly and blew through his hair, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. He stared at Isabella's picture on the headstone, the bright smile that he was so in love with grinning back at him. "I love you Isabella." he said softly. "I'll never stop."

And after he said that, the wind picked up once more, blowing past James' ears as if to whisper, "I know."

'Because these words were never easier for me to say or her to second guess. But I guess that I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best'