You Crack Me Up, Steven (A Sam & Max + Steven Universe Crossover)

Chapter 2

"Yep," the other gems nodded.

"I'm a lagomorph, lady!" The rabbit-like creature corrected, still biting down on Peridot's head. It unclasped its jaw and called to the car. "Hey Sam! I got a live one over here!! And she has the distinct taste of toothpaste and pickle doritos! I hate those!"

What stepped out of the car next made everyone's jaw drop: A six-foot anthropomorphic dog wearing a grey suit and fedora. Sam, the dog, straightened his tie and approached.

"Good work, Max. Let's take a looksie." He picked up Peridot by her legs to get a better look. "Ooh, this one looks like a keeper, little buddy."

Max, the rabbit-creature, unhinged his jaw to speak. "Where's the camera, Sam?"

"Don't you remember, Baskethead? You jumped on my head shouting 'Jersey Devil! Jersey Devil!' and threw the camera out the window!"

"I SWEAR that old lady was a dead ringer for him!"

"Release me this instant, you annoying fuzzy piles of moss clods!!!" Peridot shouted, clearly having enough.

"Wow. No one's ever called me a clod before... I don't know what to say," Max sniffled tearfully.

".... So just to be clear," Pearl scratched her head, "Those are walking, talking, dog and rabbit creatures we are all seeing, right?"

"Looks like it," Garnet answered matter-of-factly.

"Just making sure." Pearl cleared her throat, "Um excuse me.... Gentlemen? Would you be so kind as to put down our frie.... Comra... Uh, associate? I assure you, she did not mean any-"

"Holy leaping father of Mother Teresa on a subway driving through the Amazon in black leather stockings on a leap year!" Sam exclaimed, finally noticing the other gems.

"Uh, was that english?" Amethyst asked

"Look alive, Max! It seems like our little toddling savage here has some presumably hostile playmates!"

"Oooh!" Max smiled deviously. "Shall I confront, subdue, pummel, and make throw rugs out of the hostiles, Sam?"

"Sic 'em up, little buddy."

"Right, Sam! You hang on to the key lime tortilla chip! I'll take the salty woodpecker, the tiny puma, and the Black Dynamite extra with the Rubik's Cube haircut!"

"...What's a tortilla chip?" Peridot queried.

"Hostiles? ...Wait, SALTY WOODPECKER!?" Pearl fumed. Amethyst tried not to giggle.

"NO PRISONEEERRRRSSS!!!!"

Max leapt with absolute abandon and landed... Right at Garnet's legs. He then started to chew on Garnet's leg like he did with Peridot's head.

"Hey!" Steven panicked. "Cut that out! Garnet's legs aren't made for chewing! Garnet, are you okay?"

"To be honest, it's starting to tickle," Garnet replied, without a flinch. "...Okay, now it's starting to get annoying."

After a while, Garnet formed one of her gauntlets, and pried Max off her leg. Max squirmed and writhed in her grip, trying to grab her face. However, his paw slipped and ended up knocking off Garnet's shades.

Everyone gasped as Garnet's shades hit the floor.

Max stopped struggling and looked up to see Garnet's three eyes staring back at him. They stared into his very essence, filled with both annoyance and embarrassment. Garnet expected Max to start screaming in fear, but instead-

"Oooooh," Max said in amazement, "Can you shoot surgical lasers out of that eye, or is it one of those psychic eyes that can see the last two winning lottery numbers in the next two years?"