The Helford Trials (Helford #3)

Chapter Nineteen

Valerie had laid out on the bottom a pretty yellow dress that looked like it would have belonged to a princess, the skirts puffy and the color shade something like out of a movie. Meade had quietly placed a burnt crucifix, rescued from unknown hands from the fire, gingerly on top of that, taking an extra step back like he was about to run away. And it took a moment where I thought I was going to stop breathing, but I finally let go of the only thing I had left of her—a paper crane, passed between us for the last five years, and I left it there to lie with her for eternity.

It was almost worse, in a way. At least with Parker, we had a body. We knew where he was. But Caitie, we never would. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and all of that.

So, when I made it to Caitie's grave, all of these little lack of closures finally built into a storm, and I let it rage.

"Hi, Caitie," I whispered, taking a seat at the edge of the gravesite, facing her stone. I hugged my knees to my chest, swallowing hard as I read her real name over and over, the dates that showed her life stopped too short, and the epitaph that read: Peace at last.

Valerie had chosen it. At first, I thought it was a little morbid. Now, I kind of understood her way of thinking a little better.

I clear my throat. I hadn't even noticed the thickness that came with this sadness, this helplessness that I knew I would feel. Wind rustled the grass, cold enough that it raised the hair at the back of my neck.

"I know it's been a while since I was last here," I told her softly, my voice drifting with the wind. "Months. But I was over in the States, for a lot of it. The Helford trials—you wouldn't have believed it. I'm not sure if you would have seen all of these pardons as a miracle, or a mistake. I do know, though, that you would have been happy to see Woodburn go down. It was a good moment, knowing that the right people were being blamed. I should have known that he wasn't as good of a guy as we wanted him to be. You would probably think the same."

I had gotten strangely used to talking to nothing more than memories during my life, my mother having gone before I knew the price of having to lose her. My pauses weren't awkward, and I wasn't uncomfortable speaking to nothing. In a way, it was comforting. It was nice to know that, even though they couldn't hear me, I could at least send my thoughts and feelings out into the universe, and they no longer had to exist exclusively in my mind.

"You had a trial, too, though you probably could have guessed that," I told her, leaning my cheek on my knees. "It was surprisingly sad, solemn. Everyone had made their decision about you before then—they had seen so much of you, knew so much of all of the brave and terrible things you did for all the right reasons. You wouldn't believe how short of a time it took for them to forgive you. I know you would have hated it. In a big way, though, I'm glad. You aren't the bad guy, Caitie. Really, you never were, not in the way it mattered. I'm glad even complete strangers could see that heart in you.

"Valerie was pardoned, too. She's probably going to come and visit you soon, before she heads off to whatever treatment facility she picks. She misses you a lot. Even though I think we all knew she wouldn't be guilty, I think she sees it as the worst injustice of them all that she walked away without being to blame for anything. I know she blames herself for what happened to you every single day. I'll never forget that look on her face when she realized we came back to take her away."

I closed my eyes, swallowed hard, and counted until ten before I could open my eyes again.

"Meade got let off, too, and he took it just as well and you would suspect. He disappeared off the face of the Earth. I kind of wonder if he came here, but I don't think he did. I'm sure he went to see Rian, though. He thinks he's so guilty for everything he did that he deserves to go down for it. I think that, to him, the idea of forgiveness is unfathomable. It'll probably take him a long time to forgive himself for everything he did. I can't help but to think that you would have done the same, reacted the same. What Shawn did to you guys ruined you enough that neither of you are willing to accept you're good people. I hope that he can unlearn that, the same way I would have helped you do the same.