The Temptations of Chemistry

Chapter Eighteen - I Didn't Want This To Happen

Everyone's jaws were ajar, staring at me as I blew up. My father bowed his head slightly, looking down at the ground. He knew it was true and that's what hurt the most. All that pain that I had pushed aside before had finally come out. I knew that they didn't care much about me and that killed me inside, like a knife through the core, slashing each organ on the way.

"Jessalyn, honey, it's not like that.." He trailed off, stumped on what to say. "We did care.." 

"Then why are there no pictures of me around the house, huh?" 

"After everything that happened, it was hard to look at them. Not because we were ashamed of you, but because it hurt to know the direction you chose and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I missed my little girl who used to get excited over ice cream and playgrounds rather than drugs and alcohol. I took them down to try and relieve some pain that reminded me that I failed as a parent." He tried to explain.

Part of me wanted to believe him, considering the sadness clouding his vision, but then the other part of me thought he was lying. How could I trust someone who had practically disowned and abandoned me before. I didn't care anymore that he was hurt because I was hurting for years. 

"How do you know I chose that direction? You don't because you never bothered to ask, instead you just accused." I shot angrily.

I watched confusion wash over their eyes. John, Matty and Cynthia too. 

"Jessalyn.." Cynthia started, taking a step towards me but I took a step back. 

"No." I spat. "Just don't, okay? Don't you have somewhere to be?"

My father nodded slowly and I turned to stomp back up the stairs to my room. Matty was the first to dash out the door, he mumbled something about studying at the campus library today when we got home last night. 

When I was almost out of view, I glanced behind me for a second, My father was checking is watch and then pulled in Cynthia for a hug. It seemed to last awhile but when they were finally pulling away, Dad was reaching for his keys. 

I made it to my room and just as I was about to slam my door shut and scream, I was stopped by the sound of a voice. 

"Jessalyn! Carson is here." John yelled up before shutting the front door behind him. It was as if nothing had just happened.

Of course, now Carson was here which made things a lot worse because I knew there was hurt in my eyes. My hands were shaking and tears were close to spilling from my eyes and I had just realized now. That was something that Carson would hold against me and try to force me to tell him.

I slumped down into my bed and wiped at my face with my hands, attempting to wash away the vulnerability in my appearance. I'm sure it wasn't working.

"Jessalyn, what's wrong?" Were the first words that had escaped Carson's mouth when he welcomed himself into my room, staring down at me.

When I glanced up, he was kneeling down at the end of the bed in front of me. He rested a hand on my leg. His eyes were full of that concern that I really wasn't digging at the moment. I still couldn't process why he cared so much about what happened to me.

"Don't worry about it." I snapped, shoving his hand away and standing up and pacing around the room.

"I am worrying." 

"Well don't!" 

"Why not?" He yelled, the fury in his voice reaching his eyes. I stared at him for a second. I was in a daze over his perfectly messy dark hair and the way he stood tall and muscular. I trying to remember the reason I was about to give him.