I Exist

Chapter 1

As the cool breeze smoothly brush off my hair, my chest suddenly tightens. I'm trying to forget my stupidity earlier, but no matter how hard I tried to erase it from my memory, it keeps flashing back as if it reflects my sanity.

I believe that there's always someone who will make you breathless. Not literally taking away your life, but giving you a glimpse of wonder to be part of that someone's life. Before achieving that, you need to take countermeasures first, but in my case I never got the chance to ploy my confession.

The memory of her was both crystal clear and incredibly muddled. She was like a long night in a solstice. She had her own darkness but she creates her own light to shine above anyone else. She's a living art; beautiful enough to create her own exhibit.

They say that it's better to say what you feel rather than not saying anything at all. I keep encouraging myself that it was a good way to start my third year in college.

The day was perfect. She was perfect too; her hair was like waves in the ocean, her eyes that always seemed to glitter and her lips like a tinted color of a sweet cherry.

I prepared myself for this moment, I even bought flowers and balloons and most of all, I rehearsed what I had been dying to tell her.

That day, I would tell her that I like her and there's nothing in this world that can stop me from the maddening rush of that phrase. I relinquish my pride for this one moment — and all it took were seconds of her words that completely broke my heart into pieces.

My only chance was thrown like a rotten apple when she rejected me.

"I don't like you, Nate." Amber said with full honesty. Her words felt like being burned alive and it hurt but I keep resisting the pain over and over.

I keep whispering and re-enacting how she told it in front of my face. In front of everybody who witnessed my hopeless confession.

Oo, alam kong gago ako at ako rin naman ang gumawa ng sarili kong kahihiyan. Hindi ko nga alam na kaya kong gawin 'to. Gusto ko na lang maglaho. Pinagsisisihan ko na umasa ako na pwedeng magbago ang tingin niya sa akin. How much dignity is left on you, Nathaniel?

The noise in the park changed into the loudest waterfall I've ever heard, I thought maybe I could close my eyes and all the voices would carry me away, far away from my great disappointment.

"Ang tanga ko! Ang tanga-tanga ko!" Napasabunot ako sa sarili ko at gusto ko na lang maiyak. I wanted to scream all of my frustrations but I couldn't. This is my decision. I didn't consult anyone if this was right or wrong. It already happened and the only choice was to accept that I got rejected.

Hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. Hapon na rin at gusto ko nang umuwi sa bahay. Thinking of what happened earlier made me exhausted. Ang kailangan ko ngayon ay mahaba-habang tulog.

---

Pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat paa kong nag-uunahan sa paglalakad.

Kanan.

Kaliwa.

Kanan.

Kaliwa.

Distracting myself will be the best solution not to recall the shameful incident that I have done.

I'm about to cross the road when a gleam of light caught my eye. It's too bright that I have to close my eyes for a second.

Tumatawid na ang mga tao sa paligid ko samantalang ako ay nakatunganga lang.

Sa kabilang tawiran, isang babaeng naka-wedding gown ang naroon.

She's alluring. It's hard to ignore her beauty and it seems that she's glowing. My jaw had become unhinged and all I could do is to stare at her.

And I know that I might look stupid again but I can't help it.

Sa dami ng taong tumatawid, hindi ko alam kung bakit ako lang ang napahinto at natulala. Hindi siya pinapansin ng mga taong nasa paligid niya. Dapat kapansin-pansin ang ganda niya lalo na't siya lang ang naka-wedding gown. Was she a runaway bride?

I shake off the thought and realized that she might be shooting some kind of prenuptial video. Hinanap ko ang crew na kinukuhanan ang sandaling ito, pero wala akong makita, oh well, I should not stick my nose to other people's business.

Bago pa man matapos ang tatlong minuto na nakalaan sa aming tatawid, dapat makatawid na ako, kaso paano ko 'yon magagawa ngayong ang bride na tinitignan ko ay diretsong nakatingin sa'kin. Patay, nahuli niya ko.

I felt my cheek reddened and I wish I could just pass out from this discomfort. She smiled and I knew it was meant for me. I'm really in an awkward situation. She had a cute smile. It will be rude if I didn't respond to that friendly approach.

I took a deep breath and tried to put a smile on my face despite the humiliation I feel. Ngingitian ko sana siya pabalik nang bigla naman itong tumawid.

Halos malaglag ang puso ko nang makita ang rumaragasang truck!

Kasabay non ay ang pagsigaw ko.

It was shocking that I was too baffled to move. All the horrors I could think of is flashing before my eyes. I shouted for help but everyone made me look even more stupid than I already knew about myself.

Nang tumigil muli ang mga sasakyan, agad akong tumakbo sa pedestrian lane.

I squeezed my eyes tight. I'm so confused that I can feel how my stomach swirled with dread.

It took me a few stunned seconds to realize what was going on. There was probably a logical explanation for this, pero di ako makaisip ng posibleng dahilan kung bakit wala akong nakikitang injured na katawan, o kahit bakas man ng dugo; parang walang nangyari...

I don't know if my eyeglasses are blurry or if it's just my imagination but I am certain of what I saw.

I saw a beautiful young bride who got hit by a truck!

Narinig ko ang bulungan ng mag-ina at sinabing may sira na raw ang ulo ko. Mas lalo ko lang ipinahiya ang sarili ko sa araw na ito. Strike two, Nathaniel.

Did I just create an image of a woman in my head out of misery? Am I lunatic already? Or I'm too broken that I don't know the thin line between reality and hallucination anymore?