I thought the world would end but it didn't[Let's face a new day together]

1

Again the concert ended like this. He couldn't explain it to anyone why he had these mental breakdowns on stage. Everything seems to fail after Ryan and Jon had left the band. He couldn't explain why it hurted this much. Maybe because he had thought that Ryan loved him? Maybe because he had thought he would never leave him and that they stay a bad forever? It all was a lie, nothing more. Ryan had left him. With him did Jon. Spencer was the only one left for him.

Brendon leaned against the wall in his dressing room and sighed heavily. "Shit shit shit" he repeated over and over again. In all these years he never had felt so bad. Sure other people had notice it, but he wouldn't let them get closer to him. After all it was his problem and not the problem from someone else. Spencer was the only person who knew the whole true about his band and why Ryan and Jon had left. To other people just thought it was because Jon and Ryan wanted to do other things with the band, try a new genre of music and that Brendon and Spencer were against it. He would lie to other people about it. What should he even say when someone asked him about the true?

Another sigh escaped his lips as he watched his reflection in the mirror. He hasn't slept for days and was overstressed with everything. Brendon closed his eyes and listened to the sounds from outside the door. The only good thing was that this tour was over, that he would return home and could stay there, trying to forget about everything, especially Ryan. And there were his thoughts again by the other. His bright smile and his shining eyes and-No, he wants to forget about it. He didn't want to see him again, not after all this. The brunette stood up. In some hours he was home and would do everything just to forget him. Until then, he would put on a fake smile and act like nothing had happen.

Even when it would break him.

*

When he already arrived home, the first thing he did was to throw everything in the house and go to bed. He lay down and closed his eyes. It was silent. The only sound in the room was the noise of the clock and his own breathing. It has been a while since he was this silent. Spencer had suggested him to go to his place since Brendon's was full with stuff from Ryan, but the brunette had told him, that it was fine. It wasn't. Everything in the room reminded him of Ryan. He had tried to talk to him again, had tried to call him and send him a bunch of messages, but Ryan simply ignored him. It hurts.

He still remembers all the soft kisses they had and the way Ryan looked at him, the way he simply spent time with him. He lost everything.

Brendon didn't know for how long he had laid there like this, with his face in the pillow in the dark. Maybe he had fallen asleep in between; he couldn't remember. No matter what he tried, Ryan was still there in his mind. Why couldn't he simply disappear? He was still there with all these good memories, with all these funny moments. All gone.

It took Brendon a while until he stood up, walking over to the cabinet where he kept all the bottles of alcohol, whiskey, beer, wine, vodka and other stuff. Never had he thought he would ever need any of this for such a situation.

He took the first bottle, opened it and started to drink. At first it hurted but soon the sore feeling came and it was a lot less hurtful. It was the only way to forget him. Sooner or later he would regret it, but not now.

*

Two weeks passed like this and nothing really changed. Brendon's mind was still by Ryan, who probably had already forgotten him. In all this time Spencer had tried to talk to him, only to be pushed away again. "I don't need help" he had told him before closing the door.

He needs help.

Brendon startled when someone was on his door, ringing nonstop. He had told Spencer to leave him alone, so why did he return back?