Daddy Dearest [some boyxboy]

Four

The girl who ran the nursery wanted to speak to me when I picked Jakey up. 

I bit my lip nervously, following her through into the main playroom. Jake wasn't a naughty kid, he was far from it. But I knew the other kids wound him up and he lashed out sometimes. I was set to do the "yes, of course he'll be in trouble." bit, then have a bit of a word with him when we got home. I was considering treating him tonight; Pete wanted me to start on Thursday night, 'cause he said it'd be quieter and easier for me. I was thinking of blowing the money I did have in the bank and taking Jakey to McDonalds. He hadn't been in ages, and it'd be nice to treat him too it. 

Jake was in the playroom, sitting on a bench, swinging his legs. He looked happy enough. 

"Daddy!" he flung his arms around me when I sat down. 

"Hi," I ruffled his hair. "What does Miss Emily want to talk to me about, eh? Have you been a bad boy?" 

"No, no, it's not that at all," Emily sat opposite me. "Actually... I want to talk more about you, Mr Hamilton." 

"It's Danny," I corrected her. She was a good eight or nine years older than me, and I felt uncomfortable with her calling me Mr Hamilton because of it. "What about me?" 

"I was just wondering how things are at home?" she asked. "Only, some of the parents said you seem to be struggling, and I noticed that Jakey didn't have much in the way of a lunch today..." 

"Let me guess. Karen Miller's been trying to grass me up again, right?" I said. 

"Well, certainly Mrs Miller was one of the parents who displayed concern, yes," she said. "But she didn't say anything unkind, not really..." 

"Oh, I know exactly what she did," I said. "She made out like she was being all sweet and nice and concerned but really she was saying that I'm a bad father." 

"She never said you were a bad father, per se," Emily swallowed. 

"Yeah, not in so many words," I sniffed. 

"She just brought up her concerns that you're maybe a little young to have a child Jacob's age," she said. I stiffened there. When Pete said it it sounded like a compliment, but with her I wasn't so sure. "And she said she's concerned that you're not quite coping financially." 

"We're fine," I put a protective arm around Jake's shoulders. "I've got a job. Just barwork, like, but it's a job all the same. I know Karen thinks I'm unemployed, but here - ring my boss if you need too." 

"I believe you," she said, though she didn't sound like she did. 

"Look," I said. "Karen is just as much of a bully as her daughter. She just wants everyone to think I'm an awful parent but I'm not. I'm a damned good father, no matter what anyone says. I love this kid more than anything, and that matters more than spoiling him, I reckon." 

"O-Of course," she said, looking slightly taken aback at my outburst. 

"Come on, Jakey," I took his hand in mine. "Lets go get some tea, yeah?" 

Jake followed me out of the door. 

"What are we gonna have for tea, Dad? I thought we didn't have any proper food in," he said. 

"We don't," I said. "I was thinking, maybe we could go to Maccie Ds for tea tonight? It's been a while since we've been there, hasn't it?"

"Yeah!" he said. Then he stopped, thinking. "What do I like at McDonalds? I can't remember." 

"You can pick when we get there," I informed him. He grinned at the thought of choice. 

***

Jakey ended up with two Happy Meals, since he'd been stuck between chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger. He marvelled at the food. The greasy, hot, cooked, calorific food. I couldn't help grinning. I wasn't much of a fastfood fan myself, so I simply treated myself to French Fries and a blueberry muffin. I bought Jake a Toffee Sundae after he'd demolished his huge meal. His tummy was bulging by the time he was finished. 

It was dusk when we left McDonalds. I couldn't help thinking that, for once, he and I looked ordinary. People who saw us didn't think I was some sad junkie who was making my kid suffer without food. They thought I was a normal dad (or more likely, big brother) taking the kid for a normal treat to a normal fast food restraunt like the rest of the normal people. I swung Jakey's hand in my own. His was greasy and hot and slightly sticky but I didn't mind. He had a smile on his face and, for the first time in ages, a full tummy. 

I got him home and tucked him up in my bed with me, where I read him a picture book to help get him off to sleep. When he drifted off, I got under the covers myself and snuggled up with him. I felt a swell of pride. For once, I didn't feel like a silly kid trying to muddle his way through fatherhood without much idea of what I was doing. I didn't feel like I was neglecting Jake. I didn't feel cruel and like I was making him suffer. I didn't feel like a shitty parent. 

For once, I didn't feel like a father. 

I felt like a dad.