Falling Dawn (II)

Chapter 24

Looking at the ground, Tom shook his head.

"Look at me, Tom." Hesitantly, he lifted his head. Slowly and in depth I told him, "It is not your fault, Tom. Do you hear me? None of it is your fault. Nothing. Nothing that ever happened there."

Looking agonised, I led Tom to the black leather lounge in the corner of the office. He followed me without protest. I ordered him to lie down, while I sat on the floor right next to him, our heads resting against each other.

"I love you, Tom. - Do you want to tell me what happened next?" Tom closed his eyes and sighed again. While I was caressing his cheek, he proceeded.

"After Jan was lying lifeless on the floor, I panicked and ran. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to, apart from Kurt. He was the coordinator of the Olympic Youth Network. During the previous holiday camp he'd given me his phone number and I had memorised it, but I had no money to call him. So I went to the police station and told them what happened. They already knew about my disappearance and just contacted the orphanage. When I heard them on the phone organising my pick up, I ran again and didn't stop. I had no idea where I was running. From Hannover I hitchhiked until I ended up in Stuttgart. I hadn't slept or eaten anything for nearly two days. I collected bottles off the streets to get the refund for them to buy a loaf of bread and an apple and then make that phone call."

"Oh, Tom!" My hand came to a halt on his cheek, to make room for a kiss.

"Kurt picked me up and arranged everything: Housing, food, the boarding school, but most importantly he organised a lawyer. That devils hole was closed within no time."

"How did you meet Jan again?"

"My life got better. They made me see a psychologist, and when I told her what happened, that I blamed myself for Jan's death, she looked into my file and made some inquiries and found out, that Jan hadn't died that day. I was still too young to really do anything and you know how life was before google. But in year twelve I began to research and finally found Jan in a psychiatric institution about thirty minutes away from my boarding school in Hamburg. He was being treated like an animal. Tied to the bed when I visited the first time, they pumped him full of medication. From then, I visited him every weekend, and when I'd made my first money, I got him out of there."

I was speechless. Tom had such a big heart. Why didn't he see it? No words could be enough to tell him how wonderful he was. So I wrapped myself around him, showing him that I was with him.

"You are amazing," I eventually whispered from under his arms.

"No, Lisa. I'm a coward. It's my fault he's disabled. It was the least I could do for him. And I don't even do anything. Look at it. Birgit looks after him. All I do is settling the bills."

"Tom," I now addressed him in a sterner voice, lifting myself up so I could look at him. "Stop having those doubts. You have done nothing wrong." He didn't give me a response, just an empty look. How could I make him realise?

"Why can't you see what an incredible person you are? I love you so much, and there are many women out there who are very jealous of me."

"Yeah," Tom responded with a cynical laugh, pulling his already unruly hair even more. "They love the idea of me. They love the money that comes with me. None of those people love me."

"Do you think that is why I'm here?" We were going around in circles. It couldn't go on like this. We needed to trust each other's love. On everything else we could work, but not on the foundation of our relationship.

"No, Lisa. You know me. I sometimes think you know me better than I know myself. And for some reason you are still here. I think you care for me. You've got a big heart. That's why you chose your professional field. But..."