One Thousand Little Tears

The End

Letters covered the inside of Chandler's desk.  Hours of work sent back and forth.  Hundreds of words shared between two friends.  The cause of every tear Emma had shed.  She collected the stack and ran her fingers over the worn paper.  It was clear that he had read these many of times.  They were important to him.  Emma felt as if she were betraying Chandler and invading his privacy.  In a way, she was.  He was nowhere to be found.  His mother had looked all over for him but it was as if he had disappeared.  His passport was gone.  His clothes were gone.  He was gone entirely.  The only memory Emma had of the boy was days ago.

The slam of her locker.  The look on his face.  She had caused him that much pain.  She had broken him and embarrassed him in front of plenty of peers.  But it wasn't just her fault!  He had used her to hide what he was.  She had to remind herself of this every time she let her guard down.  It was his fault for making her a beard and then lying about it.  If she didn't repeat this mantra... she'd fall apart.

"Emma?"  She looked up at the woman standing in the doorway.  "Are you almost finished?"  She nodded at Chandler's mother and placed the letters in her backpack.  She followed Martha down the stairs and took a seat on the couch.  This room was a cell of memories she wanted to forget.  Martha put down a glass of water for the girl.

"Mrs. White, I'm sorry you haven't been able to find him.  I've looked, too."

"I'm afraid he's gotten himself into some kind of trouble.  He'd been acting different lately.  Something was upsetting him.  Do you have any idea what that could be?"

"I..."  Emma dropped her eyes, finding her fingernails suddenly interesting.  Chandler had kept his penpal a secret.  Both he and the English guy's parents didn't want them talking online, but that hadn't stopped them.  They were like some gross kind of romance novel by Nicholas Sparks.  "I have no idea what was wrong with him," she lied.

"Are you sure?  You two broke up so sudden.  It seemed completely out of the blue."  Martha took a sip of her water and stared at Emma.

"I really don't want to talk about that," she said, steadying her breaths.  She could feel the sting of tears progressively building in her eyes.  She refused to break down in front of her gay ex-boyfriend's mother.

"Please, Em -"

"I said," Emma said quickly as she rose from the plush sofa.  "I don't want to talk about that.  It has nothing to do with him disappearing, okay?  I don't know where he went!  I don't know what he's doing!  I don't even care.  I'm only looking to help you out!  I can see it in your eyes, you think that I'm the one that pushed him away.  He ran away because of me -"  The crack in the girl's voice startled her.  "He didn't run away because of me.  I think he ran away because of you!  I think he ran away because you were always too judgmental about everything he did.  His haircuts... his clothing...  You wanted him to be perfect.  We all wanted him to be perfect!  So everyone is to blame!  I didn't fucking do this."  By the time she finished, Emma was screaming at the woman.

Martha was paralyzed with fear.  This bout of rage had appeared from thin air.  Emma grabbed her bag and rushed out of the door.  Her hands visibly shook and her breath came out in tiny puffs of smoke.  The winter morning hit her hard as she sprinted to her car.  Her foot caught a patch of ice and slid out from underneath her.  Emma fell into the snow on her back, gasping for breath.  Up above, the white sky greeted her watering eyes.  Cloudless.  Empty.  A blank slate without any color to liven it up.  A reflection of Emma.

---

Emma's brown ponytail brushed her back as she bent down to pick up a fallen scarf.  She tossed it into the brown box on her bed.  Everything of Chandler's had to go.  She couldn't bear the idea of throwing it out, but she knew she couldn't have it out of sight.  Already inside sat a necklace he'd given her for their one month anniversary.  Their first monthiversary.  Two dresses and a Meg Cabot book had been placed inside as well.  In the back of her closet, she'd found his yellow helmet and added it to the collection.  She slipped off the silver ring with a topaz heart in the middle and placed it inside.  He'd always known it was her favorite color.  He'd picked out this ring specifically for her.  A promise ring.