Silent Nights {Joey Bada$$}

eight

'Camille, I thought you was gonna handle things. Not pace back and forth.'

I don't know what else to do. I've been doing this for hours. Just pacing back and forth. Hopeless. Angry. Sad as hell. Wanting to cry.

I never wanted things to end up like this. I didn't want anything to end this way. I hated this. I hated everything.

I didn't want to die.

"I can't believe this shit." I say for the... who knows anymore. I've said it so many times, the emotions behind the words ranging from anger and sadness, that the words were etched into my brain. It was all I could say. What am I supposed to do?

'That's a good fucking question.' Jamal says snarkily.

I didn't even acknowledge him anymore. I don't say anything except those five words. Other than that, nothing. I don't talk to him, none of that. Like, I didn't want to believe he was cheating. When Jamal first said it, I didn't want to believe it. I was hurt, but I would have been able to forget about it because it wouldn't have been true. I didn't have proof and he didn't have proof, so it wasn't real. But... now I have proof. And the fact that Jamal knows who the girl is doesn't make anything better.

'C... Cammy... Cam... Camille. Talk to me.' He says, but I don't look up or anything. 'Camille, ion't like it when you ignore me.'

"And I don't like information being withheld from me." I spit out, looking over at him. "But it seems like we don't always get what we want." I say before going back to pacing. I was angry again.

He sits there for a minute, leaving me with only the sound of my footprints.

'Camille... I didn't even know if I could tell you anything. I'm surprised I can even talk to you.' He says, his voice filled with sadness and hurt. 'This is my very first job as a guardian angel, obviously. Like... I just died. Camille, I just died!' His voice gets more powerful and grief stricken. 'I didn't get to read any terms and conditions or instructions. There were none! One minute I'm in darkness the next I'm following my best friend- no, my fucking brother's girlfriend. So if you think you got shit bad, how do you think I feel? I gotta live through the fucking aftermath of my death!'

My breath was caught in my throat and I was stuck in one spot. I didn't even think about how he felt. He had to see the product of his death. Him being here wasn't because of kindness or my need for him. It was some sort of sick punishment from whatever God is up there.

It was disgusting.

'I have to go through shit I wanted to escape from, Camille. I wanna talk to Joey so bad. I wanna talk to Kwon and Nyck and Dessy and Cj and everyone. I miss my people, my family, so bad. This is like what you said. Punishment. This is worse than Hell. I can't really do this Cam.' He says, his voice broken.

"I-I'm so sorry." I say, biting my lip.

And this is how I found myself crying over Jamal again.

"I'm sorry!" I bawl. "I'm sorry." I cover my face.

This was so sick. And I played a part. My inaction was keeping him here longer. So me and higher powers were punishing him. For no reason. This was unneeded. I didn't need help. He did. He needed someone more than I did.

'It's okay, Cam. I don't need help.' He says, making me look up at him, tears still rolling down my face as my shoulders shook with quiet sobs. 'I just... This is making me want to take it back. Camille, I wish I never did it. I just need you to wake up and smell the coffee Cam. And stop me.'

"Stop you?"

Please Camille. Stop me.

What are you talking about? I don't understand. What's going on?

I look around, searching for Jamal. Searching for anything. All I saw was darkness.

Then I fell.