Proxy [l.h]

13. Flights Back Home and Distractions

"Get off," I tell her roughly, then hastily wiping my mouth with toilet paper, I watch as the gruesome contents of the toilet flushes down the drain. 

Lissa materializes a bottle of water behind her back, and I take it, chugging it down in one gulp. Only then I can gather my thoughts.

Eyeing Lissa carefully from the way she moves and talks, I make a conclusion that the fuzzy interactions between us last night must've been either intimate or strange. 

"What happened last night?" I ask bluntly, getting to my feet.

Lissa starts to blush immediately.

"Don't beat around the bush. Did I sleep with you?"

"W-wh-No!" She sputters.

"Then what?"

"Uh-well...I shaved you," she replies, biting her lip.

I burst into loud laughter, making Lissa blink in surprise. "Shaved me?"

"You were only half sane and you had a razor to your face. I had to," she sasses. I take another sip of the water and glare at her.

"Okay, whatever. Are you done packing?"

Lissa nods in reply, pointing at the small suitcase already rolled over to the corner. I only now notice that she's got on makeup and have put on her clothes as well, ready for the landing. There's a thick scarf covering her nose and mouth, and she has her sunglasses and ill-formed jacket in her hands.

Walking out of the bathroom, I throw my own suitcase on the bed and start throwing my belongings inside. Toothbrush, underwear, shoes, money. I repeat the names of the objects like a mantra as I start packing. There's a constant buzz in my head that won't shut up, and I feel faint, and depressed, like I could pass out any moment and I wouldn't be able to get up. It's happening again, just like last year when I was still seeing the shrink, feeling like my entire existence has been reduced to one little speck of dust, and my chest is being constricted, so tight I can't breathe.

Tears are suddenly starting to fill my eyes. Toothbrush, underwear, shoes, money. The headache worsens and the mantra is repeated faster. I try to focus on anything. Anything to distract me.

It was a wrong thing to remember then why we're leaving this place: because my plan had ultimately failed and I would never get to see her again, or even get the closure I'd always wanted. This was a waste of my time. Enraged, I hurl the suitcase off the bed, sending it crashing down to the ground. The contents I'd already placed inside spill from the suitcase and explode in a mess by Lissa's feet. I look at her terrified, widened eyes, staring at me like I'm a beast, and it makes something shrink in my chest.

"Sorry," I tell her, the tears blurring my vision. I hate myself for it imminently.

"It's okay," she tells me quietly, and tiptoes around the suitcase, holding her hand out to me. "Ready? I'll help you clean up."

The two of us kneel down and slowly gather my belongings, and pack them again. It takes a good whole ten minutes to get myself back together and my suitcase ready, and Lissa keeps her face straight and emotionless the whole time, as if she's deep in thought.

"Are you scared because of what Ben will say when we get back?" I ask hoarsely when Lissa finishes zipping up the contents of the suitcase. Maybe it's because I'm scared as well, but I won't admit it.

Lissa doesn't look up and nods instead. Even just looking at her, I know it's more than that. I'm making her leave her home again and dragging her back to the industry, where every night she'll have to keep working to save my ass. I feel a little pinch of guilt, but that fades by the time we get to the airport, and on the plane back to Canada, where the rest of the members are waiting.