Find Your Way

Chapter Ten

"Pero bakit ganito yung nangyayari sakin ngayon? All my life, sinunod ko ang mga gusto sakin nila Dada. I even took up business course dahil yun ang gusto nila sa akin! I gave up my dreams dahil umasa ako na after kong makatapos ng College, they will give me my freedom na kahit anong materyal na bagay ay hindi kayang matumbasan. Pero hindi. Hanggang ngayon ganon pa din. Buong buhay ko na ang pinapakailaman nila, Ahya! That was my whole life! My future! I never wanted a perfect life. All I want is a happy one. Am I asking for too much?" I said in between sobs while I place my face on both of my palms and cried my heart out. I can feel my chest and throat aching from crying this hard.

I'm in so much pain right now that even crying like a baby cannot ease. I've never felt so miserable and helpless in my whole life. Not until now, and you know what hurts most? My parents caused me my own miseries. The two persons I thought would've love and first to understand me, were the ones who are causing me this contemptible feeling.

"I never wanted to question the love they have for me, for us, Ahya. Alam ko naman na lahat ng ginagawa nila satin ay para sa ikabubuti natin. Pero kahit bali-baligtaran mo ko ngayon, bakit hindi ko yun makita? Bakit hindi ko yun maramdaman?" I felt Paul lean closer to me and cage me with his brotherly hug while rubbing my back.

"Sshh, tahan na, Shobe. Kahit wala ako sa posisyon mo ngayon, naiintindihan kita. Kahit ako, natatakot din ako sa pwedeng mangyari sa akin. Natatakot ako na mawala ka, kayo nila Dada sa akin." He paused and heave a long sigh. I pulled away from his embrace and looked up to him, puzzled.

What he just said doesn't make sense to me. What does he mean about that?

As if reading my mind, he answered, "I'm gay, Shobe. Bakla, bading, belonged to third sex, o kung ano man tawag samin. Bakla ako." He said with all confidence while smiling.

And me?

I was stunned. Parang may sumabog na bomba sa harapan ko at parang na paralyze ang buo katawan ko dahil sa sinabi niya. I couldn't react or move even if I wanted to. I'm completely speechless and just stared at him blankly.

"I know, Shobe. Alam ko magiging ganyan reaction mo. I couldn't blame you pero hindi ko na kayang magtago. Hindi ko na kayang magsinungaling sa sarili ko." He suddenly pause and tilt his body away from me and stares at the man-made waterfalls situated at the far end side of this swimming pool.

"Kahit ako, noong una, hindi ko din matanggap. Kahit ako, nandiri ako sa sarili ko pero paunti-unti, natanggap ko na. Lalo na kapag may tumanggap sa'yo completely. Yung ikaw lang, yung buong-buo ng walang panghuhusga." He added and I can sense the happiness in every word he's saying. There's somewhat satisfaction evident on his voice.

"P-Paul.." That was the only word I could utter to him. I'm still dumbfounded and trying to comprehend what he just confess a minute ago.

"Yes, Shobe. I'm in a relationship right now. With a man, with Gerald. Two months pa lang kami but I am more than happy with him. I learned to love him even in just a short span of time na nagkasama kami. Alam ko din na mahal niya ko dahil hindi siya huminto na mahalin ako kahit na ipagtabuyan ko siya lalo na nung in denial stage pa ang beauty ko." He said jokingly pero hindi nakaligtas sa mga mata ko ang mga namumuong luha sa mga mata niya. I held her right hand and tilted his face with my left so he can face me.

I want him to see how proud and happy I am for him. That no matter who he is and what he became, it didn't make me love him less. Alam ko siya pa din ang Ahya Paul na nakasama kong lumaki at hinding-hindi magbabago yun. No words can describe how grateful I am to have him as my brother, sila ni Ahya Gab, in my life.

"I admire your courage, Ahya. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kahirap yung pinagdaanan mo dahil mag-isa ka lang noon. Alam ko mag-isa mong hinarap yung phase na yun and I hated myself for that dahil hinayaan kita. Dahil wala ako sa tabi mo nung mga panahong yun." I said to him with my utmost sincerity while I wipe the tears that's falling from his cheeks with my thumb. He then lovingly smiled at me. He slowly removed my hands from his face but remained holding it.

"No, Shobe. That was my decision. Gusto ko din mapag-isa noon dahil gusto kong ako mismo ang makaayos sa sarili ko. And look at me now, masaya ko kahit nagtatago pa din ako. Pero knowing na nasabi ko na 'to sa'yo at tinanggap mo ko, that was more than enough. At least alam kong may kakampi ako once na malaman na nila Dada ang darkest and deepest secret ko." We both chuckled with his humor. Nasa ganitong sitwasyon na nga kami, pero nakukuha pa niyang magbiro.

I really admire his courage sa pag-amin sakin ng totoo. I didn't know na ganito kalaki yung tiwala niya sa akin and I promise to myself na hinding-hindi ako gagawa ng dahilan para masira iyon. I promise myself na once dumating nga yung time na malaman ito nila Dada, I will stay by his side and support him all the way.

Naisip ko tuloy si Althea. Paano kaya kung ako naman yung may kailangan aminin sa sarili ko? Paano kaya kung dumating din yung time na kailangan kong lumaban para sa sarili ko? Sa amin? Magiging ganito din kaya ako katapang kay Paul? Malalampasan ko din kaya yung bigat at hirap nung phase na yun?

"Paano kaya Ahya kung ako naman ang nasa kalagayan mo? Kung magkapalit tayo ng sitwasyon?" I asked him blankly not knowing what's really gotten into me. Yung tipong wala, natanong mo lang.

"Huh? What do you mean, Jade?" He asked and looked at me quizzically. I'm now having second thoughts kung itutuloy ko pa bang itanong.

"Uh- I- uh, nothing Ahya. Naisip ko lang yung feeling kapag nasa ganyang sitwasyon." I revered and I absentmindedly bite my fingernails. One habit that I can't get rid from my system.

"Alright, Shobe. Sa ngayon, magfocus na muna tayo paano ka makakatakas kila Dada. I suggest you talk to David and tell him what you honestly feel about your engagement. Sabihin mo sa kanya na ayaw mo talagang magpakasal sa kanya."

"You know it's not that easy, Ahya. Alam mong masasaktan si David."

"Oo nga pero mas gugustohin mo bang huli na ang lahat bago ka umamin? Sa tingin mo ba mas magiging madali na hayaan mo na lang matali sa kanya? You're running out of time, Jade. At kapag nagpatuloy 'to, parehas lang kayong makukulong ni David sa relasyong isa lang ang may gusto."

His words shook my head. Parang all of a sudden, nagising ako sa isang masamang panaginip. All of a sudden, nakaramdam ako ng hope na pwede pang magawan ng paraan.

"You know how much David loves you, Shobe. Alam kong maiintindihan niya ang magiging desisyon mo. Naniniwala akong hindi ka niya hahayaang makasal sa kanya once na malaman niyang hindi ka sang-ayon dito. Because that's how love works, Jade. Selfless and it's beyond understanding at alam kong ganon ang klase ng pagmamahal ni David para sa'yo. Kaya if I were you baby sis, pag-usapan niyo na 'to ni David bago pa mahuli ang lahat. Okay?" He gave me a light pat on the head while I nod at him. I can feel relieved as if I've gain all of my confidence that's been drowned three months ago.

Having a heart-to-heart talk with him is really one of the best therapies I need. If it weren't for him, baka hanggang ngayon nagmumukmok pa din ako. I'm blessed na nagkaroon ako ng Ahya-slash-Achi na gigising sakin sa masamang panaginip.

I know it would be tough and anything worse can happen, but I've decided. I'll fight for what I think is right. I'll fight for my own freedom.

And I'm going to start fighting as soon as now.