Flying Thoughts

Entry 1

I lay there with my eyes closed trying to sleep.
My friend was talking of committing suicide and my father made me say good night to them completely oblivious of the fact that that might be my last good night.
I really did try to die yesterday.
I felt so ready.
The feeling was so empty and if felt as if I had already died.
She talked of the same feeling.
I hated knowing that someone I care about so much could feel so badly.
So I lay there thinking of all the events this past week.
He broke up with me tearing my heart out like a vulture.
He said he didn't love me which made me physically feel heartbroken.
I shook all weekend and no one even cared.
I was crying in the backseat and no one asked what was wrong they just told me to shut up.
Tears were apart of my face. There was no hiding it.
This morning I woke up in the same fit.
Crying and shaking.
I asked my dad to say hone because I was just that stressed and suicidal.
I screamed at him pleading my case that mental illnesses should be taken just as seriously as physical.
He held me to my bed and shouted at me saying all the wrong I've done.
I just cried.
Lifelessly.
Dead already.
Having the little girl in my head scream for justice.
But I just shook.
I shook like a small dog who was scared.
Soon after he broke up with me he told me he stilled cared as I was being a suicidal bitch.
I never meant to guilt trip him but I feel as though I did.
Something told me to hold onto him because him nor I were ready to let go.
His depression blocks him from emotion if it builds up.
Everyone nags him to be happy but no one ever asks why he's sad.
He's been nagged so much he started to block his negative feelings out.
It built up naturally.
Accidentally he in turn blocked all feelings out.
Including his love for me.
That's why we broke up.
He couldn't channel his love because he's being pushed to block emotions.
People expect him to be a robot or something and never have emotion!
Well I don't! And I'm sick and tired of people doing that!
Everyone constantly jokes about what an ass hole he is but I can't help but think that could possibly their actual opinion.
But does anyone ever ask why!?
No! They just assume it's his personality!
It's not!
He's caring and sweet and I've seen him when he's not pressured and he's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen!
But he has to be heartless to people.
It's as if he wasn't that he would just break down and cry constantly.
And for good reason!
I never understood why people treat him like that!
I want to slap every single one of them!
... Someone says one more bad thing about him in front of me I swear....
I lay here still.
I was thinking of what would happen if I hung myself earlier and the image popped into my head.
I hung there lifelessly with dead shot eyes and a cold body.
I was fine with the image.
In fact in a weird way it gave me bliss to see myself like that.
But then the image changed.
Someone came in the room and saw me.
It was him.
It was my only love.
He screamed and cried in agony falling to his knees crying.
My body tenses as I block the image out and curl up into my blankets holding my pillow.
I begin to cry at the thought of how he would feel if I died.
What he would do.
He'd cut constantly based on what he says.
Or worse.
A tear streamed down my face thinking of his dead lifeless body.
I clung to my pillow tighter and thoughts of ways to tell him I love him without constantly saying it and annoying him.
Holding his hand.
Interlocking our pinkies.
Hugging him softly.
Kissing his forehead.
Kissing his cheek.
All my simple ways of saying I love you.
I wipe my tears away.
I can't lose anyone... I can't lose them... And I won't put them threw the pain of losing me...
I want to die.
The only true emotion I ever consume is love.
And that's from very few people.
No laughter lately has ever been unaccompanied by disagreement. No smile was ever just reassuring that I was okay.
It's been overflowing lately.
People have noticed.
I've turned cold.
Dead.
Heartless.
I'm the meanest version of me I've ever known.
I'm not scared to offend people and I don't care their judgement.
Who am I?
The love I feel only comes from him and few select others.
The only time I've ever felt safe in all my life was in his arms.
Nothing can touch me then.
It's the only thing that holds me to sanity.
For once in my life I didn't feel threatened or intimidated by a guy who has an interest in me.
He's the first guy to ever ask me if I was okay in a sexual situation.
He believes that most things that society views as casual shouldn't be.
In fact he believes most things in society suck.
And they do.
His friend recently said he liked him and to be totally honest I did not like it at all.
In an argument he told me he cuddled with a guy he had a crush on at the time and ... I don't know.
I just don't like knowing that I may have competition.
It doesn't bother me as much as you would think though.
I don't think he likes him back and it's about who he wants not who wants him right?
I hope he wants me...
Sex isn't a subject we're uncomfortable with.
He knew that I was ready to be his first and I really am.
I want to love him in all ways I can.
He told me he wasn't.
And I was totally fine with that.
He could still not be ready and I'd be fine.
I don't want to rush him or pressure him at all with that.
I know how it feels to be pressured sexually like that and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Especially him.
I wish I could know more about his mom but I don't want him to relive it by explaining it.
She's the bitch that left him anyway.
If I do ever end up meeting her the first thing I'll do is punch her square in the jaw.
You don't do that to your own kid.
Especially one as amazing as he is.
I'm worried about him though.
I'm always worried.
He could very well have clinical depression how could I not worry.
But I'm mostly worried about his home life.
All the things I've heard about his father worry me.
They just do.
I just want to hold him.
And never let go.
He's mine.

PS
So this will kinda be like a public diary to me and I'm never going to say the names of the people and there really will be no plot it'll just be me getting my feelings out in the open ... Online... Like a dumbass...
But yeah.
If you know me in person don't question me on the stuff I write because I'll probably say it was made up when I'm actually going threw shit and I'll lie about it and I'll say I'm tired or something so...
Yeah.
I don't want this to become popular or for it to be an actual book I just want to write and explain and release.
K
Good night
HQ