Devil-May-Care [Bunny Love Story]

【Chapter One】

In seventh grade, I touched an old woman's boobs for a mere eight dollars. Now that I look back, I think that maybe it wasn't so worth the small amount of money. But I was desperate, and I probably always will be.

■ ■ ■

"I'll give you five dollars if you grope Ms. Beau," Eric Cartman had challenged, wearing a smug expression and staring straight past me, to whom I assumed was the teacher in mention.

"Ew, Cartman!" Kyle Broflovski exclaimed, making a disgusted face.

"Shut up, Kyle!" screamed Cartman, pronouncing the red head's name in that annoying accent of his.

"Ten dollars," I pressed.

"Six," responded Cartman.

Stan Marsh sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head, "This is ridiculous."

Completely ignoring Stan's comment, I thought a moment before deciding on a number, "Eight."

"Deal," nodded Cartman. We shook on it and with all the confidence in the world, I turned around to face the old hag across the room. We were in the cafeteria and she was ordering food from the lunch line.

Ms. Beau was a very heavy set middle aged lady with breasts that hung all the way down to her belly button. Her hair was wiry, dead, and graying at the speed of a race car. The back of her hands were wrinkled and her veins popped out like mountains upon her tanned skin. No one knew what her real face looked like since she hid it behind seventy-eight pounds of makeup. Sometimes, if you were unlucky enough to witness such a sight, she would perspire heavily and leave streaks of sweat that would occasionally smear her makeup. Whenever that happened, she looked as if she had just hopped out of a shower after realizing that she still had her face paint on. 

Then, Ms. Beau turned away after paying for her food and I knew that it was time to fulfill my part of the bargain. I tugged at the strings of my hood and closed them even more than they already were, instead of leaving my eyes and nose out, it was now only my eyes. Did I mention that she smelled awful? Like sour milk mixed with raw fish and dumped into a mini garbage can that was left out in the sun for too long.

I trudged over, feeling stiff and staring at my feet until I stopped directly in front of the woman.

"Oh, McCor-" Ms. Beau started in her usual greeting. Before she could go on any further, however, I forced my arms up and grabbed two handfuls of saggy shriveled boobs. I didn't dare look at her. "KENNETH MCCORMICK!" she gasped crossly, "Principal's office. NOW!"

■ ■ ■

Cartman stayed true to his word and had given me the eight dollars. Evidently I  was suspended immediately for sexual harassment, though that had been the only punishment they had given me and after about a week I was back in school. I was willing to let the entire thing go, but Ms. Beau tended to hold grudges and hated me ever since.

In eighth grade I was blessed with the wonderful nicknames of "Manwhore" and "Player."

■ ■ ■

Ever since I could remember I'd always enjoyed staring at tits. Especially when the holder was running and they'd jump up and down as if wild animals just begging to be tamed. My then girlfriend was a woman I don't even remember ever having spoken to before a party at who knows where. We ended up having sex and she got attached to me, so I let her follow me around like a lost puppy.

Eventually, I grew tired of her. She was tedious and annoying, so I broke it off by giving her a bunch of flowers and telling her that I hoped she found some other guy that would actually enjoy her company. I guess it wasn't the right thing to say, considering the fact that she stomped on my foot, then on the flowers, then marched away fuming with anger.