Everything. Left. Behind.

Part Two: The. Transition. Back.

The next morning I woke up before my alarm and was taking another shower by the time my supervisor was out of bed. This almost instantly alerted his caretaker instinct and ran into the bathroom to make sure I wasn't trying to off myself under the cover of a running shower.
He was more than over joyed when I explained I was just getting ready for work. As if recovery is the only opinion for why someone would shower five minutes earlier than normal. I mean I guess he was right so maybe it is.
The drive to work wasn't as bad that day. I didn't spend the whole ride hoping that a drunk driver side swiped me before I knew what was happening. A fantasy I had going anywhere through most of middle school and high school. The idea of not having to go was worth more than life itself.
Arriving at working I was almost to trilled to see the Silverado parked next to the store. For someone worried about being replaced by him yesterday, I sure was enjoying the idea talking to him today. I exited my current means of transportation to smoke a quick cigarette before agreeing to give up my freedom for the next 8 hours of my life in exchange for currency that's needed for survival.
I clocked in regularly like I would any other day but I glanced around looking for Kansas. It was kinda awkward wanting the attention of another person. I had friends, family, or loved ones as they are commonly referred to as but no one I cared to converse with nor do I find most people thoughts intriguing.
So I did my mundane task as the corner stone of American economics and provided everyday citizens with goods in exchange for currency. (I'm not just bullshitting either if it wasn't for clerks the whole system would collapse into madness. Stop being so shitty when you stop by a store at six in the morning because you dropped your toothbrush in the toilet)
I fell into the rhythm of the small town retail, before long I was think about a government system that wouldn't become corrupt even after multiple generation of have past, while of course still insuring the rights of the people. (A question most people don't stop to ask because they incorrectly assume the system isn't faulty simply because it hasn't failed yet).
A point came that I continuously ran into the same problem with humans and not the systems themselves. So I decided people are the reason people suck. The same concussion I reach on every issue.
His voice pulled me back to reality where I was checking out some old lady who was writing a check because it's 2015 and she doesn't understand how debt cards work. He simply asked if I would entertain the thought of killing a bottle of tequila gold with him over a few games of beer pong that weekend.

I didn't want to explain my supervisor situation so I told him I'd see if I was free without going into much detail. He clocked out behind me while I finished dealing with the outdated means of payment, that is filling out and the filing of a government contract with the agreement of paying in the not so distant future, often referred to as a check.
Once Kansas left, holding the door for economical burden that is a customer paying with a check, I left the counter open to next guy coming in to replace him while I smoked another cigarette. It was a little early for a smoke break by franchise standards, which I would have taken into consideration any other day but at that point all that matter was convincing my supervisor to let me go a whole night without being under his ever watchful eye.
Returning to the public wasn't an option so I worked outside until I could clock out without breaking the contract I signed when agreeing to employment at that establishment. My supervisor listened to my request to be absent from supervision for an evening under the circumstances that I was showing progress. We agreed that a newly blossoming friendship could improve my mental state and came to the concussion that as long as I made it to work the next morning, I could be trusted with my freedom on weekends.
Being allowed so much trust was concerning for me at the time because my choices reflect on my supervisor and not only myself personally.
I used all my free time that week to get high. At any cost. Regardless of risk assessment. Without fear of being caught in possession of a contraband substance. Not because I needed the high or that it even helped. I didn't do it because of the trill or enjoy me. I smoked my pay check every week because it was something to do that didn't ultimately bore me.
I could feel myself recovering despite my attempts to deny it. Work didn't suck so bad since I was always stocking with Kansas or smoking by the dumpster when I went to take out the trash. I waited until Thursday to tell him that I would be attending the consumption of the alcoholic beverages. I didn't put it off for personal gain or reasons but simply because he didn't ask again until then.

That was the end of the awkward transition from wishing I was dead to fully commit to being alive again. Everything from that point forward I was only getting better. Finally, seeing the world from a healthy point of view and having someone to talk about the more important topics with. I was never sober but it wasn't causing my progress but caused by my progress. My desire to do more than be alone lead to me to start drinking and smoking socially with people my age on a daily basis.
The local pizza place became our second home and I started spending more time with my coworkers than with my supervisor (who was more of a counselor now since I didn't have to be watched just check in on and documented )
Sadly, I hadn't talk to my parents since the hospital but I brushed it off as them being worried but feeling that space would help me the most. I respected their choice, I honestly didn't know if I need them at that point anyways. I had a network running in my favor with at least seven people trying to hangout at any given time.
My self confidence was at an all time high, my boss was impressed with my performance ( there was talk about moving me too my own store by 2016),
My supervisor was becoming more of a roommate and less of ball and chain morally responsible for my safety. Although I was aware that I was taking up space in his house that could be used to help out another lost kid. I was running out of time in the area and had a life build here and I wasn't ready to go back home.