You Just Love To Hate Me || Ricky 'Horror' Olson (EDITING)

Chapter 35: Even When I Doubt You I'm No Good Without You

I started to run my nails up and down his stomach and my feather light touch caused him to laugh, making me smile widely. He took my hand in his so that I couldn't touch him anymore and kissed the top of my head again.

"Do you want to talk about why you were sad?" Ricky asked.

"The usual," I shrugged vaguely.

"Wanna elaborate?"

"It's silly it's just the stupid overthinking again," I replied. I love that Ricky cares but the things I worry about are so pathetic they're almost embarrassing.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but you know that I'm here if you do because I love you and I want you to be okay."

I sighed, I may as well just tell him, no matter what I convince myself I know he truly does care and it will help to get it off of my chest. "Well obviously there's the whole thing about getting my memory back that scares me because they told me every day that goes by the smaller the likelihood of me regaining my memories is plus now that I remember TJ it makes me wonder if I'll only ever remember that like I had one chance to get them all back but I gave up and it all got too much and that happened." I rambled, not really making much sense. I stopped to yawn, realising how incredibly tired I really am and Ricky took that as an opportunity to cut in.

"Babe I get why you're scared, honestly I am too, but you can't worry too much about something that you don't have. If they come, they come, if they don't they don't and we can't do anything about it so why worry over them. You have a great life, you're in a successful band, you have a good family and great friends, you have all the people who you knew back then who can tell you stories about what happened back then so you can basically imagine your life beforehand and not to mention you have the best boyfriend ever." I giggled and he wrapped his arm around me slightly tighter. "As much as we would all love for you to get your memory back, it's one of those things we can't control so we should focus on making the present great instead of worrying about the past."

"You always know just want to say," I sighed blissfully and cuddled into him even more. I swear, one day we're just going to morph together.

We laid in silence for a few moments, just enjoying each other's company, something I truly value that we're able to do.

"There's something else on your mind." Ricky's voice cut through the silence like a razor blade.

"It's so stupid," I reassured him, wishing we could go back to the silence.

"I want you to get it all off of your chest." He replied adamantly, tracing circles on my shoulders with his fingertips.

"You can't get mad." I felt him nod. "I just constantly worry that you're going to fall out of love with me when you meet someone new or that you don't actually love me and you just pity me. I worry that you don't care about me the way that I care about you..."

He interrupted me when he burst out laughing which honestly offended me a bit. "Vamp that is the silliest thing you've ever said to me and you've said some strange, strange things. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to tell you this until you believe me but I will tell you until you do, you are the most perfect girl I've ever met, I see beautiful women all the time and none of them hold a candle to you because they're not you. I didn't just fall in love with your body and your face I fell in love with your personality, your humour, your smile, your laugh, every single thing you do no matter how small that makes you you I've fallen in love with, I won't just fall out of love with it all because I see some pretty girl."

"I know, I just worry." I feel pretty foolish now.

"You know I worry too." He admitted.

"You do?" I'm honestly shocked. He puts up such a cool front it's hard to believe this sort of stuff concerns him.

"I do. All the time. I worry you're going to find someone better than me, that doesn't tour and can constantly be there for you, that doesn't hold such a painful past, someone better looking, that makes more money, isn't so immature or someone that's a normal height, it all terrifies me because in my eyes you're perfect and I could see anybody going for you so you have your pick out of seven billion people it's hard to believe you're sure you want me forever." He sounds so insecure and as bad as it sounds I feel really happy because I know I'm not the only one who's scared.

"Ricky, as bad as this sounds, that makes me feel so much better because you fear losing me as much as I fear losing you and that makes me seem as important to you as you are to me and something like that is unfathomable to me."

"I get it, I feel relieved when you say you worry because I feel more normal and equal in this relationship."

"I feel so much better now."

"I'm really happy to hear that," He grinned and kissed the top of my head. "Can I ask you something?" He asked, sitting up and looking me dead in the eyes. I nodded, guessing it was pretty serious. "I was just wondering, since we both need a break and we never really get any alone time, if you wanted to go away for a while. Maybe like a month or so after tour is over when we're all settled and relaxed, before I have to start spending a lot of time in the studio and you have to your and stuff again, it'd only be for two or three weeks but it just seems like a nice thing to do, especially since I've never really had you to myself."

"That sounds great Ricky," I replied nonchalantly, trying to play off the fact that all I wanted to do was jump up and down and squeal like a teenage girl. "Where would we go?"

"I was thinking some place like Hawaii or Barbados, some place quiet and peaceful but also tropical and beautiful."

"Those types of things are so expensive though."

"I only want what's best for you." He replied, taking his hand off of my shoulder and grabbing mine, intertwining our fingers.

"That sounds really nice then." I agreed. "I'm actually really tired now though so could we sleep?" I smiled innocently.

"Of course." He laughed and held me closer.

"I love you Ricky." I whispered, realising we'd been talking at a normal volume and all the guys who were still awake would've heard everything.

I didn't get an actual response but instead a small snore that made me feel all warm and my stomach flip, as cliché as it sounds, he still does that to me. It made me feel silly for worrying that he didn't love me or care because he was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open but he stayed awake anyway to let me talk things through and reassured me as much as he could that my worrying was silly. I don't know what I ever did without him, I don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm so grateful to have him now. I'm not saying without him I'd be nothing, but I'd rather be.

Okay so like I realised I hadn't updated in like a month and I was like oh shit fuck so I wrote this really shitty filler chapter that would've been way better but I'm exhausted right now however I have a huge plot twist in store for this book so don't go anywhere it's gonna happen within the next three chapters!! Also thank you so fucking much for 15K and almost 700 votes it happened a while ago and I never said thank you honestly it means so much to me every single person who reads this or comments or votes mean so much to me your support on this book makes me so happy considering I just wrote this for fun j never expected it to get so big so thank you so so much! This is my longest running book, my most popular and probably my favourite to write even though it started off awfully and I don't see it ending any time soon if I'm honest which makes me extremely happy. Thank you to everyone who reads this, even when I post shitty chapters like this that were gonna go somewhere before I got lazy and decided to end it badly and post it anyway. I love you all so much, thank you.
~Rachel