Love was something I found myself withdrawing from.
I didn't like it.
The idea of giving your all to someone, someone that may see the weakest sides of you.
I hated it. I didn't want it.
The feeling of falling for someone that I might not be able to have by my side.
I didn't want it.
But then you came, and I felt myself slipping into the darkness of my fear.
Loving someone was a risk, and I didn't want to take that risk.
I laughed at those who loved but were still hurt in the end. I laughed at them, however I found myself wondering,
What was it like to love?
When I first met you, I realised you were someone that who put others first. You were someone who would worry about other people's problems before your own, always calm and collected. Your smiles would reassure many people and your calming words would bring many people to believe in themselves.
You were so positive for others. But overtime, I realised that you only accepted the love that you thought you deserved. When I thought of you thinking about yourself like that, I didn't know why, but I felt my chest tighten ever so slightly.
I was curious.
I wanted to know more about you, and why you cared for others more than you did for yourself. Because of that curiosity, I decided to talk to you, however before I could even think of a way of starting a conversation, you had already said hello.
I couldn't think of anything to say back; the conversation had started without me being prepared. Of course, the normal thing to say would be hello, but the question that left my lips was:
"Why do you try so hard to keep other people smiling?"
You just smiled and tilted your head slightly to one side, and in a soft and confused voice, you answered me.
"Everyone deserves even the smallest piece of happiness, so why shouldn't I help them realise the potential they have within themselves?"
Your eyes, they showed experience, they showed sadness. Without knowing why, I felt like I had to protect you. I wanted to protect you, I wanted to heal your wounds.
"Hey..." You turned around glancing at me. "Do you want to get some coffee with me?"
At the same time, our eyes widened. My mind went into a frenzy.
Without realising what was happening to me, I began to slip into the darkness that I've always wanted to avoid.
A smile graced upon your lips as you watched the stars dance against the moonlit sky. You looked peaceful, happy as if there was not a single problem in the world. I felt myself wanting to reach out to you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. It was in that moment I realised I had fallen.
But, almost instantly, my arms felt heavy and my mind went misty. The shackles of my fear weighed me down from moving. I was frozen. I couldn't move. The darkness of my mind consumed my entire being, I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop shaking, tremors ran through my body like a never ending chill.
I heard a voice calling out to me, but I couldn't force myself to focus. A warmth surrounded my quivering hands and my vision cleared. You always had a smile on your face but yet, you looked worried for me.
"Can you be mine?" Your eyes widened in surprise, but in a split second you smiled. A smile that would bring many memories. I knew instantly that facing my fears was going to be worth it if you were the one that I loved.
Just like how the strong coffee aroma disappears, you have faded as well and I've become indifferent.
The promises that we made have disappeared with the time we spent together.
I couldn't sleep, all I could do was stare blankly at the ceiling above me. I try closing my eyes but the memories come back to me; the longing frustration that clung, and the loneliness that spread throughout the room was starting to suffocate me. I missed you.
How long has it been since we broke up?
Why do the tears keep flowing every time I think about you?
Why do I miss you today more than ever?
I don't regret loving you, I don't regret becoming attached to you.
I cried a lot because of you, but I also laughed a lot because of you.
I believed in love because of you.
I remember the day as if it was only yesterday, when you stared at me wordlessly, your trembling gaze and awkwardly forced smile that spoke of a breakup shattered the perfect world that I had believed we were in.
You were the one that spoke to me first, the one that understood who I was as a person. Many good memories were spent with you but it seems that our time has run out. If there are hellos, are there bound to be goodbyes?
Maybe we're all fools that fall even though we get hurt inside.
Love is a risk, a risk that I didn't want to take.
For your weakness to be shown, and for you to rely solely on that one person.
I hated it, but it was worth it.
