Hockey Imagines

Mistakes- Andre Burakovsky

He texted when he landed. Getting his bags and an uber made the 10 minutes from Reagan National to our apartment more like 20 minutes. A part deep inside of me was thankful for that. When he walked in the door it took everything in me not to cry. Not to just break down right in front of him. We hugged and said "I missed you" until it no longer held a meaning, just a shout into the void. We made his mother's Swedish meatballs. We laughed and talked about the stupidest things and he told me stories about his family. He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me and each time he kissed me and each time he whispered "I love you" into the silence of the apartment, it got harder and harder to keep my mistake from him. But, I held my own.

Until he got down on his knee and pulled out a ring.

"Y/N, will you make me the happiest Swede in the world and marry me?" He looked at me with that goofy smile and those big brown eyes and everything I was told not to do disappeared. I couldn't marry him until he knew. And if knowing what I did means I'd lose him forever, that's a risk I was willing to take.

"Andre, please get up. Please put that away." I begged and pleaded, tears spilling from my eyes.

"You don't want to marry me?" He was devastated, but no one could prepare him for what was coming.

"Of course I do," I hesitated, the glimmer of hope in his eyes breaking me into a million pieces. "But, I have to tell you something and I don't think you'll want to marry me when I tell you." I could barely get the words out through the tears.

"Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me and I'll help you through it." He said, pulling me into his strong arms. We walked to the couch and i sat with my legs crossed, facing him. He held my hands in his. I took a deep, shaky breath before it burst out of me like word vomit.

"I slept with Latts." I looked him in the eyes and I could see his whole world crumbling and evaporating into nothing. He let go of my hands and turned away from me, staring out the window, refusing to look anywhere near me.

"Why." I heard him mutter softly, broken and cold. It wasn't even a question, but rather a demand.

"You left me. You went to Sweden to be with your family and, and you refused to take me with you." I began the story, trying to not cry too much so I could get through it.

"I felt unwanted and like I wasn't good enough to meet your family and I kept hearing your voice in my head yelling at me when we fought about it saying that you didn't want me to meet them. And then I thought about after we made up. When we were intimate and you held me until I fell asleep. And I felt lonely because I didn't have you next to me every night. You weren't there to kiss me goodnight or hold me in your arms. My thoughts that night were terrifying. If I couldn't find company the night it happened I probably would have hurt myself. So, I called him. And I went to his apartment and we had some beers and we, we watched The Big Bang Theory and we talked about what was going on and why I was so desperate to hang out and then we drank some more and the next thing I knew I was naked and in his bed and when I realized what we had done I wanted to crawl in a hole and die because I knew how much it would hurt you. And I've cried myself to sleep every night since knowing that I might be losing you."

My face was completely soaked now, even my forehead was wet from trying to wipe away the tears. He still hadn't looked at me. He hadn't said anything. He wasn't even crying, just staring blankly out the window. I had broken him, and that's what I was afraid of. What Latts had warned me about the night it happened.

"I would give everything to take it back and I understand if you never want to see me again. Just say the word and I'll pack my stuff and go." He still didn't say anything. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. I stared at him searching for some sort of sign that he wasn't completely gone, but he did nothing but stare at the cars on the street and the lights from other apartments and businesses. Watching traffic lights change and people crossing the street. Until after about 5 minutes, when he finally spoke.