My Rant Book (SPORADIC UPDATES)

Feelings

This always happens. I have feelings for someone I am romantically involved with, and old feelings for someone else return.

Before I started dating my boyfriend, there was this girl who I had begun to like, a lot, and I was debating asking her out. Then my boyfriend asked me out and I said yes because, let's face it, its easier to not have to lie about a heterosexual relationship than it is to hide a homosexual one, and I'd much rather hide the fact I'm pansexual from my family.

Now this girl likes someone, and the feelings I had for her butted their ugly heads in and I'm jealous. I shouldn't be because I have a boyfriend, but I can't help it. I don't want to like her. I just want to have friend like feelings for her, but no.

One time, at a Christmas parade, she and I had to share a hand warmer while we were on a bus from downtown, and we ended up holding hands with the hand warmer in between our hands. It was strictly intended for warmth, but it felt like there could be more for me. Now I think I was the only one who felt that way...

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want her to find out because I want to keep her as a friend, even if I can only have her as one, and posting this is a huge risk since she follows me on here.

I'm going to go cry now.

Love you all.

~guardgirl