A Reason To Be Me...

A Reason To Be Me...- four

It was strange how the small towns' people seemed to be more tolerant of one another, how families seemed like the ideal ones you imagined only lived in brochures and crappy TV programmes. I mean I'm sure they aren't all perfect and have their disagreements but in places like this it's generally kept quiet. Because unlike a big city, everybody would be interested if the McDougall's were having a rough patch, and a shouting match would definitely not go unnoticed.

I sighed heavily. Yes everybody around here was definitely in each others pockets. I had never really thought about how little I knew my neighbours back home. I don't even think I knew their names. I had taken the fact that I could be left alone to wallow the past few months for granted.

I hadn't really noticed how little people bothered with me any more till today. Everyone at my old school had just accepted that I wanted to be alone and allowed it. Here everyone just kept pushing and pushing to get something out of me. Maybe moving here wasn't such a good idea?

I guess only time will tell.

“Roxie, it's getting late.” Gran called out, her voice was soft and kind but there were undertones of authority in it. A tone that I couldn't ever ignore, no matter how much I really wanted to stay out here.

I whistled for Basil making him shoot out of a bush over to me and jumped up my leg. Smiling down at the little guy I ruffled his fur and headed inside.

Gramps was stood by the stove stirring milk in a pan, warming it up. As I stepped inside he turned and gave me his signature smile. Sort of lopsided and goofy, but one I loved and missed these past few years.

“want some cocoa?” he asked as I locked up the back door.

I stared longingly out at the garden wanting nothing more then to escape back out there. Fixing a smile on my face I turned to him, “sure.”

I took a seat on one of the bar stools and rested my head in my hand, propping my chin on my palm, and watched as he made the chocolatey drink.

“here you go, extra marshmallows. Just for you.” he said proudly, placing a steaming cup in front of my nose.

I smiled gratefully. Closing my eyes as I inhaled the sweet scent, savouring the familiar smell. I hadn't had hot chocolate in ages.

It was the only hot drink I liked. Which was strange because I didn't particularly like chocolate, preferring fruity things instead. I used to drink it at the café all the time back home and order the deluxe special with extra chocolate. It was our thing to do on a Saturday morning.

A lump rose in my throat as I thought about those happy memories. Moments that would never, ever, happen again. Opening my eyes I pushed those thoughts back into their dark corner and willed my tear ducts to not betray me by leaking.

I poked the tiny marshmallows submerging them in the brown liquid, watching them bob back up again. I only had marshmallows here. Mum wouldn't buy them for me at home saying they weren't a necessity and they didn't do them at the café. I had tried putting just regular sized ones in the yummy drink but it just didn't work. I wonder what it is about the small ones that makes them taste different?

“so did you make any friends today? You didn't mention any earlier...” Gramps asked taking a sip of his drink. He eyed me suspiciously, waiting for my answer.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hadn't bothered making friends today. Nor did I plan on doing so any time soon. “sure. The kids here are all really nice.” I told him hoping he would accept that as an answer.

“Yeah. That Max boy, he's a good kid.” he commented, nodding to himself in agreement.

“hmmm.” I murmured, not wanting to make a comment on the boy that spoke way too much in my opinion. I mean the kid was relentless.

“quite the ladies man too from what I hear.”

I snorted. Of course he was. He probably had every girl at that school eating out of the palm of his hand, and probably in the literal sense a few times too. The glares from half the student body at lunch were enough evidence to show me that he was the dream guy of the school.

“better drink up, before it gets cold.” he nudged my cup and then stood up to wash his now empty cup out.

Obediently I did as I was instructed and hugged the mug with my hands, drinking greedily on the heavenly drink. Before I knew it my cup was empty and I couldn't help but pout like a little kid as I glared at the bottom of the mug.

Gramps chuckled at me taking the mug away from me as though it was in some serious danger of being destroyed. Believe me the thought had crossed my mind.

“well I best get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow.”

I turned to find him leaning in the door way looking me over with a kind smile. “night Gramps.” I chirped.

“night Roxie.” he said as he walked down the hall to his room.

Sill perched on the stool I stared out into the night, up at the twinkling stars in the distance. Millions of miles away. Floating forever in nothingness, well until they die. But then from something so sad sometimes comes a nursery or play ground for more brilliant white lights to be born and shine.

The sounds of Basils claws, clip-clapping, against the hard tiled floor of the kitchen pulled me from my daze. I watched as he slowly trudged out of the now cold room.

With a small sigh I looked over at the clock to find I had once again spaced out for a few hours. No wonder Basil had given up waiting for me. Poor little thing was probably uncomfortable on the hard floor.

Following his lead I made my way up to my bed, switching off the kitchen light as I went leaving me in darkness. Good job I wasn't afraid of the dark. Not such good thing that I was a bit clumsy at times, as I tripped on the corner of the door into my room.

Hobbling over to my bed, I flicked my lamp on to inspect my, sure to be swollen, toe. Luckily it wasn't too badly hurt just a little throbbing and red but that was all superficial.

I laid back on my bed and uncharacteristically, or at least for the new me, I yawned. The day had been a long one I guess. Meeting all those new people, having to try to not space out, to act somewhat normal.

Not wanting to move I wriggled out of my clothes and slid under the covers, careful not to disturb an already snoring Basil. I smiled at him and gently stroked the fur on his head. He stirred slightly, rolling closer to me like usual, and as he did he revealed the sketch pad I had been drawing in this afternoon.

Suddenly finding myself tired I didn't bother to look at the drawing I had done earlier. Instead I dropped the sketch pad on the floor and flicked the switch on the lamp, flooding the room with darkness.

Before I knew it I was asleep... and so came the dreams.