Sanctuary

How Long?

It's been a few years since everything happened back in Texas. They had all graduated middle school and were still the best of friends even though they were sophomores in high school now, but she still remembered everything like it had just happened yesterday. All the hurt and betrayal, all the cuts she made both physical and mentally, all the scars she had and still has.

Everything

(listen to song while reading)

It was like it was happening over and over and over again. Every second of everyday. After a few years she couldn't take it anymore. She wanted it to be over. She had thought about it and gotten so close to killing herself so many times, but when it came down to it, she couldn't. This time it was different. This time she was finally ready to end it all. She was finally ready to get out of the way for good. She was finally ready to let go. She was ready to het out of the way, if it meant that her best friend would be happy. If it meant that all the pain and suffering would stop. She just wanted it to stop. She wanted all the pain to go away once and for all. This time she was ready, and she knew what was going to happen and when the best time for it to happen was.

She had told her parents that she was sick so that they would let her stay home from school to get better. Once her parents left to take Auggie to school and go to work, she cried and got everything ready to end it all.

Her one and only, her heart and soul, her first crush, date, and kiss, her almost lover. He had left the biggest hole in her heart and it drove her to this.

Her best friends betrayal of trust and honesty drove her to place cuts around every inch of her arms and legs.

They both led to this. To think about ending it all, to being silent for so long just so that he and her best friend in the whole world could be happy together. That's all she ever wanted, for them to be happy, even if it was slowly killing her on the inside. She knew what that meant. or at least she thought she did.

She thought it meant getting out of the way completely. It meant not being around any of them anymore, despite how much she wanted to be. It meant no longer being the girl she was.

It meant changing.

She slowly started to distance herself from all of them.

First she started with him, because she knew that would be the hardest. She slowly stopped talking to him. She never looked at him as often as she used to, she would always have her back turned to him so that he couldn't see the pain and suffering behind her eyes. She slowly started to back away, until one day she just left. She was gone. She left him with so many questions. She knew that she was in love with him and that she didn't want to do this, to live without him, but she also knew how Maya felt about him. She knew that for Maya to be truly happy with Lucas she would have to get out of the picture. She would have to disappear, so that's what she did. She finally stopped talking to him. She finally stopped looking at him. She changed her schedule around so that she wouldn't be in the same room as him, ever. She always made sure he wasn't around when she went out to the park or to her mom's café. When she went to school she made sure to look carefully at every hallway so that she could avoid him and she was constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure he wouldn't see her. If he was there she would run and hide before he could have the chance to see her and ask her why she ad been avoiding him. It killed her inside but she knew it had to be done. She knew that she was standing in the way of Maya and Lucas being together just by being around and that wasn't what she wanted, so she stepped back completely.