Chapter 9
I once saw a man who could swallow his entire shoe whole. He was always out on the street by the fountain in the square near my school. He would take off one of his ratty Nikes, hold it above his head to show the crowd he gathered and slowly insert it into his mouth.
After gracefully sucking in the aglet end of the shoestring like a strand of spaghetti, the man would have swarms of girls all flirting and telling him how talented he was. He'd say that it was only a shoe. It was nothing.
I was a firm believer in the idea that all men had a shoe, a trait that could reel in any girl. For some, it's obvious and they flaunt it and then others, it's hidden. Sometimes it's hidden really deep and no one ever finds it. Sort of like their mum threw it away because it smelled or something.
My shoe used to be football. Girls have a thing for guys who do sports. With long hair and a football uniform, I was flawless. Unless you stood me next to everyone else on the team, like Charlie, who had insane muscle and neatly trimmed hair and beards. But that's beside my point.
Once I was admitted to the hospital, I tossed that shoe aside (against my will). I always thought I'd find a new one but gave up and stopped caring. I was fine with socks, if you get my meaning.
The reason I thought back on the man with the shoe was Hal. The man didn't even have a sock to be proud of. He had two brain cells in his head; one was lost and the other was looking for it.
He was so stupid, so brainlessly dumb, that he nearly overdosed me on my meds, slid over the wooden chair thinking it was my wheelchair and held his People magazine upside-down as he stared at it. He was just lucky I knew how to take care of myself because if I relied on him, I would have died months ago.
After three bites of a gluten-free lunch that definitely was meant for another patient, I interrupted his hard thoughts to intrude on his personal business.
"Celebrities do look better upside-down don't they?"
Hal nearly threw the magazine with surprise. I hadn't talked much since he'd come in; only a rude greeting and a few complaints here and there. "I was... seeing if they did." He stuttered. Lying wasn't an easy task for him. His face flushed and eyes ran everywhere but on me.
I didn't bother pointing out that my question was rhetorical. I thought that was implied when I ended the sentence in the tone of a statement. "I'm guessing you're thinking about the alleged nurse who may or may not be dating you."
"Whatever I am thinking about, it doesn't concern you. I can't be bothered with you today."
"Oh, that's friendly. You're all out of sorts."
"It's just that you're the last person I would talk to about adult matters."
I rolled my eyes, shoving my tray away. I wasn't going to eat any more of whoever's it was. "Hal, your adult matters hardly count as that. Try me. I've got years of wisdom stored up that I need to use before I die."
His eyebrows fell and he gave me a very blank look. I hadn't seen a look so blank since I told my teacher in primary school that I didn't know my alphabet. I remember her blinking twice and silently turning to call my parents.
Hal blinked four times, unsure if I was pulling his leg or serious. I was honestly just bored, but couldn't very well state that or I'd lose out on winning Bev's car. His life story wouldn't bring me any fun other than spreading it to Tilisha and watch it get twisted and mangled into something juicy.
Hal leaned over me to collect my tray from my other side. Like my teacher, he wanted to walk away and not work things out with me. I wasn't letting him off so easily. I caught a whiff of him as he took my tray and shouted the popular exclamation "Ah ha!"
