50 Shades of Tobias

Life will never be the same, now that all the factions know the truth. The truth of our purpose, the truth of what’s outside the fence. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see the video footage that Tobias retrieved from Jeanine Matthew’s computer.

            I don’t want to have to deal with this, I think to myself. The past couple of months have been more than enough for me to handle. My parent’s death, me constantly finding myself in life threatening  situations, mine and Tobias’s relationship issues, Caleb’s betrayal, the war, and the countless deaths of my friends. So this information is the last thing I need right now. Right now the only thing I want in my life is Tobias. I want to feel his arms around me, his face close to mine, sharing the same air.

            After we saw the video, Tobias and I returned to the Pit at the Dauntless compound. He wanted to retrieve some of his things from his apartment. Then we plan on heading over to my house in the Abnegation part of the city to deal with the problems that await us in the near future.

            I sit on Tobias’s bed, while he fumbles through his dresser. I remember the first time I slept on his bed. He had rescued me from Peter, Al, and Drew’s attack and brought me to his apartment to sleep instead of the dormitory. I remember the way his smell still lingered on the sheets. He was a mystery to me then. He still is.

            “I’m going to take a quick shower, Tris. Is that okay with you?” he asks, his dark blue eyes examining me.

            “Sure, I’ll just wait here I guess.” I respond a little too quickly. I purse my lips.

            He makes his way to the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. A few seconds later I hear the shower turn on. I lay down, my head on his pillow. His bed no longer harbors his smell the way it used too. He hasn’t slept on this bed in a while, so I wouldn’t expect it to smell like him anyway.

I just wish it did.

I sigh and let my muscles relax. I can’t even remember the last time I was able to simply relax. I close my eyes and listen to the muffled sound of Tobias’s shower. My breaths become even and without permission, my body finds sleep.

                                                            +++

In my dream I face myself again, the same way I did the simulation to get into Jeanine’s laboratory. Only this time, before I’m able to shoot myself, the other Tris shoots me first. I drop to the floor and feel a pool of blood begin to surround me. As I lay on the ground, dying, a flock of crows descend upon me. They peck at my gunshot wound until my vision goes blurry around the edges. The last thing I see are feathers and black dots before my vision completely goes awry. I no longer hear my heartbeat and then I die.

I wake up with my heartbeat in my ears and sweat on my hairline. I sit up on the bed and bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. I bury my face into my knees and fight back the tears. Will these nightmares ever go away?

I lift my head and feel a stone drop to the pit of my stomach. Tobias stands in front of me, naked and wet. My eyes grow wide and my breaths get heavy. I clench my hands into fists to hide them from trembling.

He’s naked. Tobias is completely naked in front of me. Every part of his body - exposed.

His eyebrows pull back and I see redness appear in his cheeks. He grabs a towel from his dresser and wraps it around his waist. It’s too late, however. I cannot un-see what I just saw. He frowns.