Top and Tail [boyxboy] [slash]

Chapter 15: Tell Me She'll Be Okay (And I'll Be Okay Too)

"Sorry," Jay muttered, clearly flustered by my less than enthusiastic reaction. "Um, just forget it. Pretend I didn't say anything."

My stomach immediately began to squirm with remorse and I dropped my gaze to the floor, trying to hide my guilt with a taily shield of scruffy black hair. A deep sigh escaped my tightly pressed lips.

"Uh... Jay?" I tried again, nervously fiddling with a loose thread on the couch and still avoiding his apologetic stare. Although my eyes were otherwise occupied, I could feel him nodding beside me.

"Yeah?"

"D'you..." I swallowed the steadily growing lump in my throat. "D'you really want to tell your mum? Because if you do... I really don't mind... I mean, uh, well I do kind of mind, but... You know..."

 I couldn't really form a comprehensible sentence at this point, partially because my mouth was dry as sawdust, but mainly because my all the wheels in my brain had stopped churning. It was like Jay's words had thrown a spanner into the works, sending the cogs into a grinding halt and I was left with a gaping open mouth like some sort of fish.

"Um... I do want to tell my mum," Jay said, his voice so slight I could have mistaken it for the wind. "But, um, it's kind of selfish isn't it? My mum... she doesn't need any more on her plate and you don't want to come out yet... But..." His voice took on a wistful tone and he turned to gaze out the window at the empty street, eyes glassy.

"But I just want her to know," he finished. Although I didn't think it possible, his voice had gotten even quieter. If it was a whisper before, it was a ghost of a breath now. "Besides... she'll carry the secret to the grave, right?"

And I was startled out my trance-like state immediately.

"Don't joke about things like that," I snapped, a fierce scowl on my forehead. Jay gave a small, sad laugh yet curled up his fists at the same time.

"Sorry. It's just..." he sighed and unclenched his fists as though releasing some unspoken emotion. "But, um, making bad jokes, telling bad puns... It just makes it less... real."

I hesitated for a few seconds, then reached over and wound my warm fingers with his cool, shaking ones. I tried to telepathically send him all the sympathetic thoughts choked up in my throat, the words I was unable to say. My fingers tightened their hold on Jay's and he smiled in response.

"Well, uh, for what it's worth Jay... I think your mum will be ok. And I know I'm not a doctor, or whatever, but..." I trailed off, not wanting to develop some stupid stutter. But I forced myself to swallow, forced my knees to stop shaking, and forced myself to get a grip. Jay was the one who should be a nervous wreck, not me! I groaned and slapped a sweaty palm to my equally sweaty forehead.

"Thanks Ash," Jay whispered, his hand firmly gripping my own.

I decided not to bother with my now stone-cold tea, and instead went straight to the hospital with Jay. We hopped on the 27 bus in a comfortable silence, silently drawing on each other for support. We didn't hold hands or anything – that would be way too suspicious. And we could have bumped into anybody on the bus.

We still sat closely on the bus, huddled into one seat, thighs pressed together. Jay sat at the window, staring out but only half-watching the people in the background. I faced into the interior of the bus, with nothing to look at but the people.

One man lay with the brim of his hat falling over his half-shut eyes. A slight hissing snore slipped from his whiskery lips, indicating that he really was sleeping. Nestled in the corner surrounded by a large wall of shopping bags like a small fortress was a slight blonde woman, muttering urgently into her mobile. Plugged into a large set of retro earphones, a teenager maybe two years younger than Jay and I sat at the front of the bus, continually rubbing his eyes. From behind I couldn't tell if it was a sleepy gesture, or a furious scrubbing at tears.