Broken

Broken Part 1

I've thought about it so many times I've lost count. How I would do it. Where I would do it. But every time fear floods in, reminding me that I am too much of a coward to go through with it. Tonight will be different. Tonight I am ready, fearless. Tonight I have found the courage to rid the world of another ugly, unlovable loser. Tonight I will kill myself.

I wasn't always this person. This ugly girl that nobody likes. Or maybe I was, but I've just been too pathetic to see it for myself. It hadn't taken very long for my friends to work it out, to spread the vicious lies and rumours that would ruin my life forever. When they first started, I told myself I would be okay. If I ignored them they would soon get tired of following me around, taunting me, prank calling my phone and leaving me hate filled messages on my Facebook page. Well, that's what my parents had told me. They lied. Slowly I worked out that they were never going to stop, that maybe they were right. I also worked out how to keep the way it makes me feel locked up inside. That way, no one else has to deal with the worthless person I have become. That way, I won't be a burden on the people I love and that have to love me.

I suppose my parents will be sad when I'm gone. But I also know they will feel a sense of relief when they don't have to deal with their weird daughter that no one likes anymore. The one who wears long sleeves to cover up the ugly scars from the wounds she has inflicted upon herself. They have never mentioned noticing them, maybe they hadn't. But the way they look at me shows they are scared of me, unsure what's wrong with me. I'm sure when I was born they had hoped they'd been blessed with the smart kid, the cool kid. The kid everyone wanted to be like and friends with. Instead, they received me, and I could feel their disappointment every time I walked in the room.

Ding!

My laptop chimes and I open it to find one of my regular messages.

"Do us a favour and kill yourself you ugly lesbian."

I laugh morbidly to myself, "Okay."

I'm not a lesbian. Not that I don't like lesbians, I'm sure they're very nice, but I have never done the things those girls accuse me of. Most of which are too graphic to even relay. But they are right about two things. I am ugly. And I will be doing the world a favour by killing myself.

I scoop up the pills placed in a neat circle in front of my laptop on the desk. A concoction of tablets I found in my parents bathroom medicine cabinet while they were at work. I'm pretty sure most of them are sleeping tablets. I'm not sure about the rest. I do know however, if I take enough I will drift off to sleep never to wake again. At least that way, when my parents find me I'll look peaceful. They'll realise I've done them a favour, and have ended the misery that was my life. Walking towards my bed, I pick up the small bottle of vodka I'd stolen from my dad's collection of alcohol to help wash the handful of pills down.

Ding!

Another message chimes on Facebook and upon opening the message, I find a video of two girls doing one of the things they had accused me of. I shake my head and close down the window. That isn't the last image I want in my mind when I die. I sit in my chair and google 'Beach Scene' picking one with bright blue skies, crystal clear water and bright white sand. Leaning back in my chair, I shuffle the pills into my other hand and back again. A deep breath helps push away the nagging doubts that scream in the back of my mind, trying to convince me to persevere with this wretched life I have been given.

I won't let them win again. I can't do this one more day. I empty my palm full of pills onto my tongue. They rattle against my teeth as I take a deep swig from the vodka bottle. I force it down with a painful gulp and my stomach heaves, bile rises in my throat, tightening it. I clamp my hand over my lips and swallow it back down. Now all I have to do is wait.

~To Be Continued~

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