Lost Soldiers (Avengers Fan Fiction #3)

Chapter 4

I failed again. I failed.

I tapped his arm as a sign that I give in. He released me and I coughed a few times while laying on the ground. I was ashamed. How could this happen? Am I losing my game? Am I putting too much anger into this? I contemplated and pulled myself together. I propped myself off of the ground and was forced to stand up. Failure only made the blood in my veins boil. Failure means death. I can't allow any more pain.

"You should rest," Jean spoke up from the sidelines. She calmly stepped towards me and watched how I tore myself apart from the inside. She saw my pain and struggles, but she didn't bring it up. Her green eyes said it all.

I shook my head adamantly. "No. Let's keep going." Sweat fell off my brow and slid down my cheeks. I wiped some of it away with the back of my glove and made sure my hair was still in a tight ponytail.

Beast ruffled his sweaty hair out and stretched. His muscles ached and he yearned for relaxation. He agreed with Jean, "We've been training for two hours. You need to relax."

"I can do it," I said through gritted teeth. I jumped around a bit from side-to-side, holding my hands up in defense mode to keep my blood pumping. "Bring it on."

Colossus glanced around at the other two X-Men with wide eyes and focused back on me. He shook his hands and his rich Russian accent flowed with his words, "I don't want to hurt you, Lilly."

"You won't hurt me, Colossus. This is all just for training. Give me your best shot," I encouraged him and smiled. Colossus loved training, but he was always afraid to go too far and accidentally hurt someone. I wouldn't take it to heart. I needed this.

Colossus hesitated and took the first punch I sent his way like a champ. I sent one punch after the other, using him as a punching bag to take out all of my anger. All of my sadness. My guilt. He stood there and let me take it all out on him.

I was mainly angry at myself. Heroes were not supposed to let so many die. Heroes would never join the enemy corporation and actually kill people. Heroes don't enjoy the adrenaline rush when fighting and killing. Heroes don't use their powers to hurt others. I've done all of those. I've let people down. I've hurt them. I've killed them. I wasn't a hero. I wasn't a villain. How could I hide behind the good I've done when I haven't made up for all of the bad? Tears fluttered down my cheeks, but could easily be mistaken for sweat.

Colossus wrapped me into a hug and I punched at his chest more and more. I didn't want a hug. I just wanted to fight. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to feel the pain I've inflicted on others to get over what I feel. I wanted to just free myself from all the emotions. I yelped from emotional pain and kicked him away from me. My foot and hands ached from hitting metal, but I didn't care. I used my powers to hold his metal arm back and twisted it slightly. He cried out, causing my eyes to widen and release my hold on him.

Colossus gave me what I wanted and punched me in the gut, sending me flying into the wall. His hand flew up to his mouth in shock and he apologized several times. He asked me if I was all right and I simply nodded.

I stayed on the ground for a bit, closing my eyes and taking in the moment for a second. My heart pumped quickly in my chest and I felt like I couldn't catch up. Thoughts and memories sped through my mind. My sore limbs ached and exhaustion clawed at my eyes and brain. The fire inside me persisted; I had to keep going. I could do it. I couldn't use my powers, though. When someone pushes me, I push back. I can't stand down. I've stood down too many times already.

Peter and Steve strolled into the room and hung back on the wall near the entrance. Jean glanced over at them before turning back to me, gesturing to the bottled water in the mini fridge. "You need to hydrate, at least."