Release

I Wonder

"I don't deserve you. I don't deserve someone as good as you and you don't deserve someone as bad as me."

"I'm not that good. And you're not that bad. And right now you don't have me, no one does, I barely even have myself."

Oftentimes I wonder why you keep me around.

Are you shallow enough to keep me around just because I boost your ego?

Do you just keep me around to vent to?

But then I think about how terrible I am.

I don't boost your ego no matter how hard I try.

Nothing I say helps because

how can I

help you

when

I can't even

help

myself?

And you would never keep me around just to vent to.

You can't even tell me about your day because I don't listen to you.

After all,

how can I

listen

to you

when I'm listening to the voices

in

my

head?

This all poses one broad question:

Why do you still talk to me?

As childish as it sounds and as ridiculous as it is, I wonder quite often.

If you left me tomorrow, I would rejoice.

I would sit and wonder where I went wrong and how perhaps I wasn't good enough from the beginning and hate myself for hurting you and pushing you away to the point where I was driving you away and wonder how I could have prevented it and think of ways to get you back and fix all of our problems and create a good future for us and then I'd laugh at my own stupidity because nothing I could ever do would get you back.

But through all of this, I would rejoice.

I would rejoice because I was no longer in your life.

I would still sit and wonder if you wanted me in your life and hypothetically speaking if I were still in your life if we'd be okay and I would think about how badly I want you in my life until the longing for the thought to be reality made me nauseous and kept me in my bed each day because how could I get up and live my life without the only thing that has kept me going for years on end and think about how much better you're doing without me and how quickly you moved on and how easy I was to recover from.

And when it all drips through my tears of thought into one collective idea, I wonder.

Why do you still talk to me?

I wonder.